Mental Illness; wide range of mental health conditions -— disorders that affect your mood, thinking and behavior. It includes depression, anxiety disorders, schizophrenia, eating disorders and addictive behavior.
Hello, I am back after months of hiatus due to my exam and I seriously took a long break. I am back here just to share on what happens lately, honestly, I am here writing a message or blog because I have my inspiration who recently passed away. If it wasn’t for his word, I’d probably be joining him but a little early than he would. I know how crazy would it be for me having plans of committing suicide but I have so many thoughts; my family, friends and future plans. I would love to admit that I have all of the mental illness. A few years ago, I went through depressions and I don’t have anyone to talk with. So I made a Twitter account which wasn’t really well-known by close people, I have mutual from worldwide and talk to them. I tweet things about having suicidal, apologizing more than twice, blaming myself on how people passed away, trying to runaway from home and more. I was stressed in both reality and expectations/imaginations. Here I am thinking, I am fine but no.
Besides depression, I developed schizophrenia, eating disorders, anxiety disorders and also addictive behavior. I’d like to say, I was giving up on living. I tried to find my way out, digging and crawling to the right way, times where I would cry and wish everything would end. Sleeping and waking up the next day, hoping for a better day. No, the better days are gone because of my mental health. I never talked to anyone seriously about it because there are times where they would probably be sad as well, and couldn’t help me a lot. I mean, you wouldn’t want to hear the word “You’ll be fine” or “It’s okay”
I admit that, I would feel sad or down, times where I’d found myself becoming bipolar. At school, I won’t be able to concentrate or focus as much as I would back during middle school. Withdrawal from friends and activities? Man yeah, ever since school ends, I stopped contacting, no hangouts, I’d talk to them saying I am cutting our friendship off. I have problems with sleeping, there are times where I would sleep at 3AM or 4AM even 8AM, wake up on 10AM but went back to sleep. My sleeping pattern wasn’t really a wonderful sight, I have visible dark circles that you can’t even cover it up with concealer, foundation and so. I couldn’t keep up with my troubles or problems easily in one day, usually I’d finished things off easily but nowadays it took me almost more than five hours to finish one task. Major changes in eating habit? Right, I have no daily routine meal. I don’t eat breakfast. Usually, I would eat lunch and dinner but now, I would eat lunch and never dine. I would eat after 9PM, or even search for food during 2AM and so. Excessive anger which is possible could be because of stress and suicidal thinking. Sometimes, it makes me unhappy to see how there are people who doesn’t feel my pain and those who are happy without being in pain.
A day where I would smile and dance in my room, pretending that I am performing in front of many people just so my pain would go away. I would dance until my body hurts, tired and sweats came out. Then during night time, I would be on bed crying regretting living. Thinking why am I alive when I can actually kill myself in my room where nobody would check 24/7 and realized where am I gone to that I am not coming out from my room. I have tried to talk to people, needing help, but they are all the same. No help at all. I don’t really love how friends would change so easy only because of having a new friend or partner. I don’t really love how I am being left behind forgotten, and only needed when they want to, they hit me up when they noticed what is wrong with me but mostly, none of my sad tweets ever make them text me a message asking I’m fine or not.
Before things could happened, I am sorry for everything. I am apologizing even if we don’t know each other or have any chemistry. I am not selling “It’s okay” to someone who would say something depressed. I am a listener, I give advice and I am proud that I am a student-counselor. I helped my friends, even when they didn’t. I would ask questions regarding if you’re okay or not, even if you don’t reply me, it’s fine.
“Be Kind. Be there when they need someone to talk. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle, you know nothing about. Sometimes, being alone is not a good thing” — Mark Tuan.
Dear people out there,
If you are reading this, please be careful of what you say to someone who needs you and talked about their struggles. If they cry, hug them and tell them that one day it’ll be gone. Tell them that they are strong that they are still here with you, standing on their two feet, breathing fine. Make them laugh that they forgot what sad is, reach out to them. Lend them your two hands and pull them out from the dark side. No matter how hard it is, as long as you are there with them, then it is fine. Don’t ever leave them behind with negative thoughts, harsh words and cold actions because that would hurt them more. You don’t really know what is playing in their mind, what would they do if you are walking far away from them. You don’t know how they would die or go. Please don’t say that depression is okay. It is not, it doesn’t have any cure to that. Not even a medicines would help us to be fine. We just need ears, shoulders and comforts. We just need someone by our side to cry out loudly, though we want to die but we also want people who would care for us. The pain to our struggles are not just the pain where your thumb hits a table, it’s a pain that you wish to never deal with, it’s ugly. It doesn’t make us happy and know what happy is anymore. If one day, we’re gone, please don’t complain on how we never talked about it when all we tried to do was reaching out to you, instead of you giving helping hands, you ignored us. We never meant to be a burden in your life, but all we need is your help. All we need is you.
“I had a thought while curling up in a dark room alone. When you might regret letting go of everyone. Have the sighs and the restless wounds stopped by now. I pray only that you aren’t hurting . I hope only that you will be happy. Please don’t try to be alone in the darkness. Don’t torture yourself. Don’t torture you. Please” — Kim Jonghyun.
Dear you who struggles in mental illness,
Please do voice out like how I did. I know that it is not easy, I am not giving much details about what is bothering me but I am telling my readers/you that I am struggling in mental illness and I need more help/advice. Please reach out to people who you trust or whoever, even me. I don’t care where you want to talk with me, I can help you as well even if I am struggling. I am sorry that nobody look up on you until you seriously break down, I am sorry that nobody care unless you reached out to us. I am sorry that you have to go through the pain everyday and trying to act like it is fine for you to be happy in front of people just so that it’ll make them happy. I am thankful that you are still strong up until today. I am grateful that you have reaching out and is a survivor now. Don’t keep things inside by yourself, don’t hurt yourself. Speak about it to us, nothing is worth taking your own life because YOU MATTER.
And with this, to everyone, I’d give my deepest condolences to Kim Jonghyun’s family, friends and fans all over the world. Dear Kim Jonghyun, you are now our angel. Shawol’s angel. Thank you for making me happy whilst you are still here with us, thank you for always keeping strong. I am sorry that you no longer can take the pain that you decided to leave us far away from the world. I have always wish to meet you, attend your concert and meet SHINee, but it never happens. I am sorry that I have never known what has bother you. However, thank you for staying strong with us. Thank you for singing song to us with your beautiful voice. Thank you for telling me or us, not to torture ourselves in the dark. Thank you and I will always love you, please take care of us dear Angel. You will be missed, Rest in Peace Kim Jonghyun.
Voice out. Reach out. You matter.
April 8, 1990 – December 18, 2017.