A Big Sigh

The journey of  a thousand miles begins with one step – Lao Tzu


 

I am back from making myself away from almost everything, I was totally not myself the past few months. I was devastated, but here I am trying to share on what’s going on. Just like other old blogs, random ones. I do have to rant as well, I can’t sleep, well I tried. But, someone wants to talk so I made a coffee so I can stay up for the person. Ended up, I am staying wide awake but that is okay.

So, how are you? I am great, so far that’s what I think of. I am quite, tiring which I mean by, I am at the edge of giving up already. I was just tired, nothing much. Since I said, I was devastated. Remember when I wrote down, I have the biggest exam ever? Yeah that one, I failed on keeping up with my promises. I didn’t actually, managed to get flying colours and I had to take another examination for additional credits. Because of that, I hate questions regarding how many credit did I managed. It was the reason why I cried for the whole night, I didn’t come out from my room. I locked myself in the dark, I just thought that, that was the end. That was the reason, why I didn’t go out in public and join the family gathering. I was totally insecure, I hate questions about it and I just had a hard time on healing. Failing is more painful than a heartbreak, to me. Maybe, it’s because I have never been into a serious relationship.. so that’s why I feel like it’s more painful.

And my mindset wasn’t really into love and relationship, because that wasn’t in my list. I wanted to graduate, go to a great college and scholarship but it was a flop. I told myself that I was a disgrace, I cried. It hurts. Being compared to other people, it hurts to receive the look of someone who is disappointed in me, its heartbreaking to just not having a great time in life that is consider a helpful future. That is why, I avoided everything. I didn’t opened up the door for people easily, I don’t take phone calls anymore and I quit on writing. Writing blogs and fictions, because it was hard. At least for me, I had a hard time on collecting myself and be who I am, I gave up on my hobbies and almost everything. I cried that I couldn’t breathe, I cried so loud that the pain was still there. I mean, failing is not a reason to give up. However, it doesn’t make me satisfied.

It took me time, to gather my thoughts and bring myself up. Almost, 2 or 3 months. Even though, I managed to get myself back, the pain still remain. I moved on, took another exam which is currently running right now. Also, I have applied for two courses choices which was Travel and Tourism or Business and Administration. T&T was actually, the one that I have interest in. Unfortunately, I didn’t get that. But, I was fine with getting accepted to Business course. True that it was overrated, but I gotta take chances. I prayed for days, to get accepted. I was totally nervous though during the interview, it was hard for me to think about a good answer to a question asked. I managed to pull it off though, then I started to get anxious waiting for their answer if I am accepted or rejected. Why? It’s because, I don’t want to be at home doing nothing and be jobless. I need to find money by myself and be successful. I might failed for the biggest examination, but I am not gonna let the failure get into my way again.. this time is my time, I wish for the best. I mean I was totally surprised that I received a message asking if I am in or not, I checked it out and I am successful. My interview was acceptable to be in the campus, guess who now promised to study VERY HARD? Me.

After what happened, I continued spending my free time back with writing fictions and interacting with my readers. Finally, I went out a lot and I managed to speak up to my friends about hanging out. I joined a family event, which was the first time in 2018. but I just stayed in the living room and helping with few chores after the event was done. I didn’t actually looked directly into someone’s eyes for a long time. It was okay, I was fine and glad.

Anyways, I do have another struggle. Which is I got confused between “Children Crossing” and “Pedestrian Walk” sign board. Ended up failing to proceed into the next level of driving. It kinda breaks my heart but I was happy? Cause I’m not ready to drive, it scares me to think about driving and people honking or whatever. I just don’t want to hurt somebody and ruin people’s cars. Then again, it was quite sad the fact that I am still not driving and staying at home. I do love staying at home but you know when you just have those days where you feel like driving around to random places with good music and singing along to it.

Gladly, I was told to take another test for it. Focus more on the sign road and etc. Oh! When it comes to problem that I am currently facing, I just want to say that my sleeping pattern is quite messy. I tried to stay awake the whole day so I can sleep during the night, but I just had to fall asleep during the mid-day. That’s okay though, I’ll work on that.

In the end, as I have grown up into taking failure in life. Swallowing the hard bitter pills. Got accepted to a college. It is a lesson, a lesson of where it’ll teach us to improve better. It is a lesson on where it’ll guide you to a different path. You may fail in this lane, but that doesn’t really mean you’ll stop there. Another lane is bringing you to somewhere, so take a chance and never give up. Failure is a lesson, it’s hard. I know. We all have to face it one day though, and if you ever had a chance (either it is given or you just happened to have a chance), do take it as if it is your last one. Never take it for granted, you do your best.

A tweet said; “It’s okay to not go to college. It’s okay to go to a community college. It’s okay to go to University. It’s okay to take out loans. It’s okay to not graduate in 4 years. It’s okay to graduate in 4. Everyone has their OWN paths and that’s OKAY. There’s NO ‘right path’ do you.”

and John Cena said; “If at first you don’t succeed. Try, try again”

Believe in yourself and do have a great decision even if it may end up as a disaster. I know how stress you are, how bad you want to cry and more. But trust me, if you work hard for it, it’ll be worth it in the end. With this, I’ll end blog for the week or month. I guess.


 

“Success is a journey, not a destination. The doing is often more important than the outcome” – Arthur Ashe.

 

18th May 2018.

4:47AM.

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End of 2017 Plans

There are 74 days left until 2018 and 20 days until my examination ends. I don’t really know where should I go after I am officially done with school but all I care is that I am just leaving it nicely. The past few months in 2017, I swear I was stressing out. Nothing is working very well in terms of anything. You can say studying, relationship and more to go. Well, past doesn’t deserves any attention, so lets not talk about it. I mean, it’s all dull and boring. Not worth any attentions.

As I said, there are about 20 days left until my examination ends. I was so excited with that, I mean there are many things I have to catch up with. Things like; sleeping, eating, hanging out, going on a vacation and work. Lately, I have been stressing out too, well I am facing a problem where you can call it insomnia. I don’t really have anything to worry about, I am literally done with everyone for now. I have no time to worry about other people, like I have told myself that it is useless to take care of other people when all they do is sugarcoating their words but stabs your back. I am experiencing things that I have planned the actions in my head, well imagination that I have expecting it in reality. Few can say that I am being childish and some might say I am being too sensitive. I won’t apologized on being myself because I am done being such a nice person only to see people blaming me and guilt-trip me.

Oh sorry, I was being salty while ago. Anyways, I am wondering if I should follow my friends going on a vacation or just stay and attend Gala Night which is being done by my school. The only problem for both is that I have no money, I have to buy dress and stuff which I am supposed to need for the night. I don’t even have any dollar for a vacation, I am literally broke. Putting all that asides, I decided to work at a daycare since playing with children can make my day better than anybody else could. I don’t mean anything rude, what I am trying to say is that, watching how happy kids are without having any stresses just made my day better. They deserves something better for all the happiness they had. Thoughts of wanting to have one, but I am too young for that and considering I am not ready, I’ll take it back.

Things have been going around which turns out to be complicated and it’s no use for me to worry too much about it. In returns of how stupid can small things go, I decided to quit and move on with what I am supposed to reach for. Okay, where am I going with this? Back to working at a daycare, I found myself awkward since I am like 17 years old and small. Insecurity at its best for the moment, but for real, imagine working and they might thought I am just a friend. I’m not being funny but, okay if that’s what you thought. Though I am not sure on what to do with my life when school ends, I am the definition of Khalid’s Young Dumb & Broke. Get that promo man. Okay, that is just so lame.

Basically my November 2017 will be a boring month too, depending on what I am going to decide with; Gala Night or a trip with my friends for almost a month, that sounds very absurd but I do need a vacation since I just feel like I need a moment to calm myself down before things started to become more stressing. I swear I am going to be busy after my exam, I just knew that and I keep on saying that because I accidentally recall my plans with my squad. Yes, accidentally. Nah, kidding, my friends are my supporters and yet the reason why I am moving forward with my life. That sounds like I was going to kill myself, but no, they knew my sick past and they are like my school’s family. Cringed, but they are also the reason why I am smiling even when I am down in every classes. You get me? No, okay..

No lies, but I am going to be taken from December 2017 up to March 2018. Everyone become such sweet people after knowing how stress I was back then, how many days and nights I spent in my room crying and not coming out to eat, I opened up on my Instagram which caught half attentions from my followers. That is just so sad. Days after revealing how I felt, my family starts to plan on going a vacation. My brother and his wife decided to bring me to somewhere for sightseeing. My friends are making up plans to do during school breaks. We might be having a sleepover, but it is not confirmed by me. Being a leader, I just have to go through a lot of sufferings but it is fine since I am supposed to manage them ducks. I am sorry friends, I just feel like claiming it that way. Other than that, I am also planning on taking Business course since being a fashion designer doesn’t really make me feel better in my family. I mean, in my point of view, becoming fashion designer won’t work very well in my country. Just saying, ha.

January 2018, I am officially legal baby! Knowing that I am going to drive was nice, but it was annoying that I am going to be the driver of every friends of mine. I was all being nice, giving 24/7 services of ranting session but to know “Pick me up soon” instead of “I’ll pay you soon for letting me rant” like bro, my life is not easy. Listening to 5 or more problems in one day won’t help my fuel to be full always. Kidd, I am a nice friend. No pay just pray. Okay it turns out like I am being dumb.

I decided to stop here, I mean I was going to be a nice person with normal blog to be published. I guess, it’s not the day to be normal today since I kept on being shady. I mean I was writing the blog while rapping to ‘Bed of Lies’ by Nicki Minaj. I am such a pro at that, well by all means, I am thankful and sorry for this blog. I’ll edit it soon once I am in a great mood for that. Have a great day because you deserve it! Be safe and don’t forget your daily meals!

New Chapter

Don’t be afraid to start over, it’s a brand new opportunity to rebuild what you truly want.

I have deleted my old blogs, to start a ‘new’ one as a starter of my new chapter. Though chapters started in every each new year, or maybe depends on how you want it. I’ll make my new chapter based on how I finally learn to accept different kind of things that has ever happened to me; past, present and future which about to come by tomorrow or so. The things that only matter right now is just that I have to live my life perfectly like how normal teenagers would. At the age of 17, still illegal and had to wait for the moment of being legal and not really a rebel. I just need to be a year older to certify myself as someone who can drive and go to places that I have been wanting to go.

Though only some can relate, but being a student sure is a pain in the ass. Trying to manage time perfectly both at school and home. Free times? Yeah, try filling it in with studies and staying at home with no vacation for the whole year. Oh, remember when I used to reveal that 2017 will be the end of my semester in high school? It will be in two more months. I’m going to spend days and nights with only cramping in my room to study for the sake of leaving the school with better result and graduating. It is a dream to be up on stage, shaking hand, being certified as a student with ‘I-Don’t-Know’ result but still coming out awesome, I hope.

Truth to be told, I have been improving a lot in my studies, except for some subjects. Well hey, I did much better now. I realized that back in July, I woke up 2 A.M up until 4 A.M just to study, but it doesn’t work well since my body needs enough rest and my brain does need it too, but you know I am just a lazy-ass person. Lately, my mood is off due to how my exam finished and receiving a very satisfying-but-not result. Honestly, I want to have a satisfying result unlike how I want during my first exam, but since now it’s a payment kind of exam. If I have failed 2 subjects, I have to pay with the amount given and where do I get money easily as a student? Hey! enough with school related. Lets go back to driving.

Here in my place, the legal age minimum to drive is 18 years old. Who wouldn’t be happy to have their own car, leaving school, going around whenever you want? I mean, it wouldn’t be an easy task, but they say practice makes perfect. I might be picking up my friends at anytime, go to my sister’s place which is far from where I am, I can go to Starbucks to have my coffee (well, only if I am lazy to make myself one). What sucks more is that, I have to drive myself to work every workdays. Though it won’t last longer, as I am planning to apply college. I don’t really mind going to work, but lets not get to that level yet. I am willing to study until where I can, damn really? I guess. There are reasons on why I am working and willing to continue my studies. Work; I could have my own salaries, I can give half to my parents as a gratitude for everything they’ve done to me since young. Paying my fees, clothing, food and such others. School; It’s where I can go further away with my dream and giving all my best to reach for the brightest star in the night sky (I cringed). First thing first, I haven’t decide on what to be. Fashion designer, photographer or any other. I have been too caught up with my school that I couldn’t have the time to think about my future or next decision after school.

And! To become a new person, not really, just a person who finally accept things that what I am going through has already gone through by some people. Like how we had to go school in the early morning, such things. Everyone already had this ‘been there, done that’ situation. Break up, failure, mistakes but they carry on with their life. Living it without taking care of their past because they know that it can’t be done correctly once again. Like how a glass fell, broken into pieces, not even glue would help to attach it perfectly back in one piece. I have much respects for the people who had the courage to live their life perfectly by times, having fun without caring about what other people say, and mostly those who succeed in everything with what they achieved. They’re living amazing.

It is too early, but I have plan things that I wanted to do after my exam ends. Having almost 4 months of holidays while waiting for my result, I couldn’t just sit down properly. I couldn’t wait to spend days of vacation with my family. Going out doing activities with my girlies, only one planned to go out with me for now (but let just say -lies so I don’t look like a picky person though I am not but oh well). ALSO! god, I am too happy to write this blog about how I feel, so!! I just did let out everything that I have been keeping by myself on my Instagram account. No lies, it was a little challenging because I have 1k followers. I haven’t post something with a very long caption. Most of these people who follow me, I either know them or it could be the otherwise. No close friendship, just normal. It caught a lot of attention as where some asked me if I am fine or not, but hella yes I feel special for the night. It was my very first time, telling something to people that I don’t know very well about whats disturbing me. After what happened last night, I am starting to let things go on its own. Whoever stays with me, I’ll let them stay. Whoever leave me behind, I’ll let them walk away. Whatever makes me happy, I’ll appreciate the moment and hoping that it will last longer.

With sincerity of writing a new chapter of mine or writing this blog about how I feel, I just want to make myself feel better and hoping that days would end perfectly fine. My hopes in 2017 would never change, it’ll stay having improvement in studies, better result, family/friends vacation, graduation under ‘Year 11; Class of 2017’ and last but not least, to make my family proud of who I am.

I’d like to congratulate myself for making my so first-ever blog looks or sounds happy. But, there is nothing wrong with moving on making your life better. You deserves to be happy too!

“Nurture your mind with great thoughts. To believe in the heroic makes heroes” -Benjamin Disraeli.