You and I

I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.

Trust. Respect. Effort. Honesty. Self-Love. Communication. Connection

Is it wrong for me to be happy even if it’s only for a day? Is it wrong for me to enjoy a day laughing forgetting how it feels like to be sad? Does it make you happy to see me cry all night? Does it make you feel better to see me frowning forgetting how to smile? Was I the one who make things wrong since the very first start? Were you the only one who can do anything you want and I am the one who only listens to you? Am I the only one who is happy for our relationship? Are you tired of me? I hope it wasn’t a mistake to love you.

I only want to be happy. It doesn’t matter how long it’ll last, but I wanted to feel happy like how I used to. Back then I was happy alone, but now, I wanted to feel happy with you. If my happiness make you unhappy, don’t you feel guilty making my day worst? Have you ever realized that it was only you who made me this way, and no one else? Do you think the moment I am laughing, is the moment where I am actually happy? Have the thought of fake happy ever cross your mind? If only you can hear my heart crying, you would feel sorry and begged for forgiveness. You wouldn’t scold me over a small thing, you wouldn’t dare to see me cry again. Don’t you ever want to see me smiling with the purest one and never applying the fake one? Does it hurt you so much to see me smiling? Don’t you ever feel sad to see me crying all night, the next day smiling and the night crying. Repeating the same thing, with or without telling you? I hope everything would be obvious so I wouldn’t be treated like it again and again. I never asked for too much from you, but a happiness with you forever. A good memories with you more than the bad ones. A moment to see you smiling because of me.

Do I need to ask for a permission from you to do something or wear something? Do I need to ask you if I can laugh and wear a smile? Do I need to ask you if I can cry? If I need to, would you still care and asked me questions. Pampering me with loving words, comforting me even when you couldn’t do it, trying to make me feel better. Have you ever feel like a bad person for making me feel this way? Sometimes, I wonder. Do I need to be happy only with you or can I be happy with my friends too? Or, should I not be happy all the time I am around with you? Would my sadness be your happiness?

I have a hope in me. A hope where I am not the only who still put effort in our relationship. Effort on how to make our relationship strong, to make us happy, to make you feel better, to make you stay with me. A hope where you wouldn’t get tired of me as yours truly love. A hope that you’re hoping the same. As I realized, it feels lonely since I am the only one who put efforts in our relationship. It was always me, and never you. Then, a moment where I complained, you acted like you’re innocent and aren’t the cause of a problem. In your view, it was always me. The one who supposed to be blamed would always be me not you. I’m always wrong, and you’re always right. Can you respect me once? Respect on how I did a better job putting the efforts unlike how you did. Respect on how strong I am to even stay with you. Respect me because I never gave up on you, on us. Not even when I am tired. Give me some credits wouldn’t be a problem, right? Respect me that I am doing fine even after how many scolds I’ve received from you.

Oh, do you even trust me? Sometimes I think a lot about it. How you accused me of talking with other guy, how you need pictures as evidence, how you got jealous of seeing me with my guy-friend even when you’re supposed to know that you’re the only man I see in my eyes. Trust me wouldn’t be a hard thing right? You’re the one who wants me to become your girl, I accept you because I love you. Can’t you do the same thing? Accepting me with trust and love. Honestly, no matter how tired I am. I am afraid of letting you go, not when it’s not the time where I am ready to let you go because my heart still wants you and I still love you. You never know how much happy I am since day one until now. You never know how much I wanted to tell the world on how I love you.

I am tired of our toxic relationship. A relationship where people thought we’re happy but only the two of us know how toxic it is. Or maybe, I am the only one who know that I am in the toxic relationship. Can’t we changed it to the healthy one? I don’t want to picture us badly. You told me you’re going to change and become good, but why does it seems like you’re not doing the right thing? Were you out of your mind when you promised me? Or, the promised you made were only a word to make me stay longer? To be honest, if you hate me that much. Break up with me. If you can’t take care of me like how I do to you. Leave me. If you feel like another girl is better than me, tell me. Do you asked me out as your girl, because you feel lonely? Was your ex-girlfriend better than me? Do you still love her? If I asked you these questions, would it make you feel happy? No, and does it hit you that the questions I asked includes how I don’t trust you and how I wanted to know if you’ll tell me the truth or not. Would you hate the questions I asked, because same. I hate how you clearly doubt me every single day.

For better times, I wanted to have a healthy relationship. I want to be happy, I want to laugh with my friends. I don’t care on how it made my surrounding brighter than before. I miss laughing with no pain hiding inside of my heart, laughing until my stomach and cheeks hurt, laughing until I coughed. I miss the times where I’m happy with or without a lover. Slowly, I am getting tired of being under control. Tired of being someone that I have/need to be not becoming myself and making myself enjoy the time being. I am a human too, I cry when I am hurting or sad. I laugh when I am happy. I might fell sick out of nowhere, I might sprained my ankle anytime. I have feelings, moods, mind and heart. If you can’t take care of it, why are you even here complaining how hard I am? Why do you even complain on how much of a burden I am as your girlfriend? Do you need my permission to attack me? Oh honey, don’t lie saying you can’t live without me. I’ve seen you breathing fine alone. Don’t lie saying “It’s always you who will be right, I am always the one to blame” when you should know that you’re the reason and the cause. Never anyone else, but you.

If you want me to be happy, make me happy without complaining. If you want me to stay, make me stay without trying to make me feel shitty. Appreciate me as your girl, I would do it hundred times better for you. Just so you know, no matter how much pain I’ve gone through with/because of, you. I still stay and say “I love you” because it is true.

“I don’t need a perfect life. I just want to be happy, surrounded by good people who love me for who I am”

“Don’t try to change me, accept me for who I am. You can either love me or hate me, but I can only be me”

“I’d rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not” – Kurt Cobain.

New Chapter

Don’t be afraid to start over, it’s a brand new opportunity to rebuild what you truly want.

I have deleted my old blogs, to start a ‘new’ one as a starter of my new chapter. Though chapters started in every each new year, or maybe depends on how you want it. I’ll make my new chapter based on how I finally learn to accept different kind of things that has ever happened to me; past, present and future which about to come by tomorrow or so. The things that only matter right now is just that I have to live my life perfectly like how normal teenagers would. At the age of 17, still illegal and had to wait for the moment of being legal and not really a rebel. I just need to be a year older to certify myself as someone who can drive and go to places that I have been wanting to go.

Though only some can relate, but being a student sure is a pain in the ass. Trying to manage time perfectly both at school and home. Free times? Yeah, try filling it in with studies and staying at home with no vacation for the whole year. Oh, remember when I used to reveal that 2017 will be the end of my semester in high school? It will be in two more months. I’m going to spend days and nights with only cramping in my room to study for the sake of leaving the school with better result and graduating. It is a dream to be up on stage, shaking hand, being certified as a student with ‘I-Don’t-Know’ result but still coming out awesome, I hope.

Truth to be told, I have been improving a lot in my studies, except for some subjects. Well hey, I did much better now. I realized that back in July, I woke up 2 A.M up until 4 A.M just to study, but it doesn’t work well since my body needs enough rest and my brain does need it too, but you know I am just a lazy-ass person. Lately, my mood is off due to how my exam finished and receiving a very satisfying-but-not result. Honestly, I want to have a satisfying result unlike how I want during my first exam, but since now it’s a payment kind of exam. If I have failed 2 subjects, I have to pay with the amount given and where do I get money easily as a student? Hey! enough with school related. Lets go back to driving.

Here in my place, the legal age minimum to drive is 18 years old. Who wouldn’t be happy to have their own car, leaving school, going around whenever you want? I mean, it wouldn’t be an easy task, but they say practice makes perfect. I might be picking up my friends at anytime, go to my sister’s place which is far from where I am, I can go to Starbucks to have my coffee (well, only if I am lazy to make myself one). What sucks more is that, I have to drive myself to work every workdays. Though it won’t last longer, as I am planning to apply college. I don’t really mind going to work, but lets not get to that level yet. I am willing to study until where I can, damn really? I guess. There are reasons on why I am working and willing to continue my studies. Work; I could have my own salaries, I can give half to my parents as a gratitude for everything they’ve done to me since young. Paying my fees, clothing, food and such others. School; It’s where I can go further away with my dream and giving all my best to reach for the brightest star in the night sky (I cringed). First thing first, I haven’t decide on what to be. Fashion designer, photographer or any other. I have been too caught up with my school that I couldn’t have the time to think about my future or next decision after school.

And! To become a new person, not really, just a person who finally accept things that what I am going through has already gone through by some people. Like how we had to go school in the early morning, such things. Everyone already had this ‘been there, done that’ situation. Break up, failure, mistakes but they carry on with their life. Living it without taking care of their past because they know that it can’t be done correctly once again. Like how a glass fell, broken into pieces, not even glue would help to attach it perfectly back in one piece. I have much respects for the people who had the courage to live their life perfectly by times, having fun without caring about what other people say, and mostly those who succeed in everything with what they achieved. They’re living amazing.

It is too early, but I have plan things that I wanted to do after my exam ends. Having almost 4 months of holidays while waiting for my result, I couldn’t just sit down properly. I couldn’t wait to spend days of vacation with my family. Going out doing activities with my girlies, only one planned to go out with me for now (but let just say -lies so I don’t look like a picky person though I am not but oh well). ALSO! god, I am too happy to write this blog about how I feel, so!! I just did let out everything that I have been keeping by myself on my Instagram account. No lies, it was a little challenging because I have 1k followers. I haven’t post something with a very long caption. Most of these people who follow me, I either know them or it could be the otherwise. No close friendship, just normal. It caught a lot of attention as where some asked me if I am fine or not, but hella yes I feel special for the night. It was my very first time, telling something to people that I don’t know very well about whats disturbing me. After what happened last night, I am starting to let things go on its own. Whoever stays with me, I’ll let them stay. Whoever leave me behind, I’ll let them walk away. Whatever makes me happy, I’ll appreciate the moment and hoping that it will last longer.

With sincerity of writing a new chapter of mine or writing this blog about how I feel, I just want to make myself feel better and hoping that days would end perfectly fine. My hopes in 2017 would never change, it’ll stay having improvement in studies, better result, family/friends vacation, graduation under ‘Year 11; Class of 2017’ and last but not least, to make my family proud of who I am.

I’d like to congratulate myself for making my so first-ever blog looks or sounds happy. But, there is nothing wrong with moving on making your life better. You deserves to be happy too!

“Nurture your mind with great thoughts. To believe in the heroic makes heroes” -Benjamin Disraeli.