The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step – Lao Tzu
I am back from making myself away from almost everything, I was totally not myself the past few months. I was devastated, but here I am trying to share on what’s going on. Just like other old blogs, random ones. I do have to rant as well, I can’t sleep, well I tried. But, someone wants to talk so I made a coffee so I can stay up for the person. Ended up, I am staying wide awake but that is okay.
So, how are you? I am great, so far that’s what I think of. I am quite, tiring which I mean by, I am at the edge of giving up already. I was just tired, nothing much. Since I said, I was devastated. Remember when I wrote down, I have the biggest exam ever? Yeah that one, I failed on keeping up with my promises. I didn’t actually, managed to get flying colours and I had to take another examination for additional credits. Because of that, I hate questions regarding how many credit did I managed. It was the reason why I cried for the whole night, I didn’t come out from my room. I locked myself in the dark, I just thought that, that was the end. That was the reason, why I didn’t go out in public and join the family gathering. I was totally insecure, I hate questions about it and I just had a hard time on healing. Failing is more painful than a heartbreak, to me. Maybe, it’s because I have never been into a serious relationship.. so that’s why I feel like it’s more painful.
And my mindset wasn’t really into love and relationship, because that wasn’t in my list. I wanted to graduate, go to a great college and scholarship but it was a flop. I told myself that I was a disgrace, I cried. It hurts. Being compared to other people, it hurts to receive the look of someone who is disappointed in me, its heartbreaking to just not having a great time in life that is consider a helpful future. That is why, I avoided everything. I didn’t opened up the door for people easily, I don’t take phone calls anymore and I quit on writing. Writing blogs and fictions, because it was hard. At least for me, I had a hard time on collecting myself and be who I am, I gave up on my hobbies and almost everything. I cried that I couldn’t breathe, I cried so loud that the pain was still there. I mean, failing is not a reason to give up. However, it doesn’t make me satisfied.
It took me time, to gather my thoughts and bring myself up. Almost, 2 or 3 months. Even though, I managed to get myself back, the pain still remain. I moved on, took another exam which is currently running right now. Also, I have applied for two courses choices which was Travel and Tourism or Business and Administration. T&T was actually, the one that I have interest in. Unfortunately, I didn’t get that. But, I was fine with getting accepted to Business course. True that it was overrated, but I gotta take chances. I prayed for days, to get accepted. I was totally nervous though during the interview, it was hard for me to think about a good answer to a question asked. I managed to pull it off though, then I started to get anxious waiting for their answer if I am accepted or rejected. Why? It’s because, I don’t want to be at home doing nothing and be jobless. I need to find money by myself and be successful. I might failed for the biggest examination, but I am not gonna let the failure get into my way again.. this time is my time, I wish for the best. I mean I was totally surprised that I received a message asking if I am in or not, I checked it out and I am successful. My interview was acceptable to be in the campus, guess who now promised to study VERY HARD? Me.
After what happened, I continued spending my free time back with writing fictions and interacting with my readers. Finally, I went out a lot and I managed to speak up to my friends about hanging out. I joined a family event, which was the first time in 2018. but I just stayed in the living room and helping with few chores after the event was done. I didn’t actually looked directly into someone’s eyes for a long time. It was okay, I was fine and glad.
Anyways, I do have another struggle. Which is I got confused between “Children Crossing” and “Pedestrian Walk” sign board. Ended up failing to proceed into the next level of driving. It kinda breaks my heart but I was happy? Cause I’m not ready to drive, it scares me to think about driving and people honking or whatever. I just don’t want to hurt somebody and ruin people’s cars. Then again, it was quite sad the fact that I am still not driving and staying at home. I do love staying at home but you know when you just have those days where you feel like driving around to random places with good music and singing along to it.
Gladly, I was told to take another test for it. Focus more on the sign road and etc. Oh! When it comes to problem that I am currently facing, I just want to say that my sleeping pattern is quite messy. I tried to stay awake the whole day so I can sleep during the night, but I just had to fall asleep during the mid-day. That’s okay though, I’ll work on that.
In the end, as I have grown up into taking failure in life. Swallowing the hard bitter pills. Got accepted to a college. It is a lesson, a lesson of where it’ll teach us to improve better. It is a lesson on where it’ll guide you to a different path. You may fail in this lane, but that doesn’t really mean you’ll stop there. Another lane is bringing you to somewhere, so take a chance and never give up. Failure is a lesson, it’s hard. I know. We all have to face it one day though, and if you ever had a chance (either it is given or you just happened to have a chance), do take it as if it is your last one. Never take it for granted, you do your best.
A tweet said; “It’s okay to not go to college. It’s okay to go to a community college. It’s okay to go to University. It’s okay to take out loans. It’s okay to not graduate in 4 years. It’s okay to graduate in 4. Everyone has their OWN paths and that’s OKAY. There’s NO ‘right path’ do you.”
and John Cena said; “If at first you don’t succeed. Try, try again”
Believe in yourself and do have a great decision even if it may end up as a disaster. I know how stress you are, how bad you want to cry and more. But trust me, if you work hard for it, it’ll be worth it in the end. With this, I’ll end blog for the week or month. I guess.
“Success is a journey, not a destination. The doing is often more important than the outcome” – Arthur Ashe.
18th May 2018.