Improving and Inspiration!

The road to success comes through hard work, determination and sacrifice. Success is not built on success. It’s built on failure. It’s built on frustration. Sometimes its built on catastrophe.

Before I start off my things related to the title. I would loved to tell you that I am not a person who loves to study, not even close to become someone who actually like to go to school. I mean, I do, but I hate waking up early. Overall, I am the type of person who would study last minute. Like, a day or two before exam starts, I worked my ass off to study until late night. There would be a 50-50 chances of passing or failing and I did both at once. Nothing to be proud of! But, that’s who I am.

I used to study during the exam day, like if today’s my exam and that’s the day where I’ll study. Guess what? I have failed one subject and pass the others. Might say, a legend but no. That was like, in 2014, so yeah. Deserves an award for studying during the day and passing almost all of the subjects yet graduating with ‘Rank 1, Aggregate 21’. Don’t doubt a lazy-looking person, like me. Hey, I exposed my result. Moving on! We had our first exam during April 2017, I guess, I couldn’t remember the month but it sucks. I failed 6 subjects and credit 2 subjects. Which happens to be English and Commerce, I’m taking the papers as a joke. So what happened was, I’m not ready and I didn’t study because I was seriously not in my mind back then. We got our results and rankings, I was ranked in the last place. No jokes, I’m for real. I felt like I was such a disgrace and I thought negatively of myself. I couldn’t even pretend to be sad about it, plus I was out of the country back then, so I was mentally prepared for all scolds and such others. I have no one to blame on, it was entirely my fault. However, learn your own mistakes, without relying on other people.

Improvements! Recently, my class received our qualification exam papers. We have 8 subjects in total, and I won’t talk about my classmates.. just me. As I mentioned, I failed 6 subjects for our first exam and pass only 2 subjects. The qualifying exam was based on more likely to a payments exam, if you failed a subject, you have to pay for it. I am not sure how the system works but we have to pay. Again, I didn’t study. I did! But not as much as I would, I studied a little for an hour during nighttime. Not to forget, I attended goal-programmed (an extra class for the chosen students of how we can improved our studies, if I am not mistaken) and recently, I was chosen for the peer-coaching programmed (a Friday class for the chosen students where teachers have trust of us having 5 credits and above in O Level) — Not saying the others couldn’t, it is a way of how they want us to study and got credit/pass in the subject we are weak in, I assumed. I used to attend tuition but I quit. Reason was, I have packed schedules and I know that the more we study the more improvements we get. I couldn’t take it, so I think highly of the two programs that I have. Goal and Peer. I make the two programs as the path of helping me to improve my studies and result.

And so, with the classes I have attended. I never felt like, it was demotivating at all. Instead, I took it as a moment of where I would be grateful that I am chosen as one of the students where they believed that I can improved and achieved a better result. Back to the moment of where I said, I didn’t study. I seriously, didn’t study. We had school holidays, then two weeks or three, we have our examination and I wasn’t ready. I was still in my holiday moment. By saying I improved a lot, yes I did. No lies, I may have zero evidence but hey, my juniors or schoolmates are reading my blogs quietly as I am publishing it on public. As a senior, I wouldn’t dare to say something that seems pathetic by reality and on social media. Yet, as a senior, keeping up the good image to your juniors is a must. I wouldn’t know who and when they are reading this, but I would only say thank you for reading. Again, I improved in few subjects. Math, Geography, English and Malay. As for the others, I would almost get a pass. I have like 5 marks or more to get a pass or even better, credit. For someone who didn’t love Math, she made it. I made it. If I’m not mistaken, my overall during the first exam wasn’t even close to 20% which is a total failure. Now, I have 49% for both papers, again.. If I am not mistaken. As for Geography, my eyes shed tears in silence. I went seriously from a low marks up to the highest than before. A short story, I was in 11th place, but since I corrected the calculations of my papers for Geography, I had moved up to 9th out of 23 students. I am satisfied.

So basically, that is the part of my improvements. Then, I would sincerely say that I may not be the best senior, but I did my best to show you my best side. I may also not be the senior that you are looking up to, but I am the senior who is wishing for the best of you in everything.

Inspiration! There are no specific reason on why I started writing blogs, I just feel like sharing something. I am not the kind of person who can say something out loud, I found it really hard to do so. I also quit writing fiction stories, because it wasn’t my type to write something up on my imaginations. Especially, when my brain won’t make any good ideas of better story-line. Writing blogs, I actually wrote it based on my mood, feelings and what I wanted to say. New Chapter, was based on how I learned to accept things and telling the public how I am changing myself into someone better than before. Happiness, was based on how I finally started to feel happy like a little kid who have received a chocolate for being good and how I wanted to tell people that there’s nothing wrong on being happy over a small thing. Goodbye, it was actually dedicated to someone who I used to love.. currently I still am loving him but I am starting to walk away because it is for the better and how I couldn’t help but keeping the memories of us as everything started to fade. Better By Times, it is about how I am getting better by days. Believing myself that I am stronger and I can do it. It is related to Goodbye. Childhood, was a random blog that I came up with, because last night I was reminiscing about it and the thoughts of being a kid once again just made me feel like writing it.

This is another random blog that appeared out of nowhere, and yet published to public because I am in the mood of writing a new blog, perhaps blogs. I may not be the best author of making blogs, but as I have told you, I am writing based on the moment I am in or feels. A little update: I am slowly recovering from my heartbreak and finally started to feel better by my own. I am breathing the good air without someone. Last but not least, I would loved to thank those who read my blogs silently. You may or may not support me, but I really do hope that everything you have or achieving right now will be the better ones. Do have a very great day!

 

“The master has failed more times than the beginner has even tried” – Anonymous.

“Don’t worry about failures, worry about the chances you miss when you don’t even try” – Jack Canfield.

Better By Times

When you let go, you create space for better things to enter your life. Better things are coming.

Some few things, will get better soon enough. All you have to do is, to wait for it. If you asked, wait for what? The days where everything will be fine and that better feelings. I assumed that all happiness or sadness won’t last longer, well not for the whole years of your life. Nothing stays forever, and forever might be a lie. Nevertheless, don’t give up on hoping. Don’t get the negativity take your pride away, and shut your world to the light. Making you live in the dark side, a side where you wished you never got trapped in it.

Mind will be filled with thoughts, heart will get weaker, eyes will be droopy and your body will get tired. You thought, it’ll be fine and you’re going to be okay living that way. Remember that, it is not healthy at all. The weaker you’ll get, you’re going to act stupid. Few would be stronger, but what if some would try to commit suicide? Taking drugs? It is nothing closer to healthy for being stressed out or in depression. People never know what you’re doing in your room with your weak body. Only god know what you’re doing, and you might be crying up all night— crying quietly, so no one could hear you. Do you think it is fun to cry all night? Perhaps, until your body got dehydrated. No matter how cool you think only because you were used to it, it’s not fun or okay to cry every night. You’re stronger than ever, but you decided to let other people to take care of you thinking that when you cry they will know about it 24/7. They would comfort you until the end of the day, no. We all have seen those people who come and go to us, stay or leave us for someone. No lies, but changing because they found someone new and better than you.

You’re not alone because I am that someone. Someone who cried at night, quietly and I wouldn’t tell anyone that I am crying. I wouldn’t dare myself to make anyone worried about me, sometimes I even feel like I am such a burden to make them feel that way. As I believe that, a pain would make me become someone stronger. Until I knew, the strongest person hides the most tears. If the tears can be kept in a bottle, it would make a water or swimming pool. And yet, the strongest person who hide their own tears away would always smile to public. Never ever showing their weak side outside, but inside it is killing them softly. Trying to be happy is easy, but controlling our tears wouldn’t be easy as being fake. I, a girl who is 17 years old, still wear a mask. A mask that held my sadness back, and shows my happiness out. Flushed cheeks, a forced laugh, a stretch smile, sad eyes but never had the will to cry out loud because people don’t understand how I feel. They will understand me, but never will be in my shoes.

Funny how people want to get better and be happy in life. It’s amazing how people need their own happiness, trying to get better and working their own way to be stronger than they were yesterday. It’s amazing how people decided to move on from their past and becoming a better person by present and future to avoid on making the same mistakes. These people are strong enough, the people who can rely on their own and they can live without those who left them behind. Their chapters were already far ahead those people who walked to another path without tagging their friend and never looked back, they left without a goodbye. No matter at what age you are now, you would feel the same way like everybody else. But never ever think that you are alone, and no one had ever been in your shoes. People used to fit in, but they got the new one. So change for the better.

Dear self, I am stronger than you think you are. The weakness in your thoughts are the power of you becoming stronger. The tiredness of your heart will be the supporter of you changing into someone stronger. The droopy eyes you have will be change to the upturned eyes, or maybe more stronger. Things will change if you make yourself separate from the past that hunts you down as it made you feel worthless. Believe in yourself and love yourself. Make yourself as your first ever priority, don’t lose yourself because of other useless things or for the people who doesn’t mean anything important to you. If you want to stand up by your own, do it. You can stand with your words or legs. They say, you matter. Your voice will always be heard and important. What struggle you the most can be heard by those who would love to help you. Just because you thought everyone left, doesn’t mean the new one would do the same. Some would let you lean on them, and these people are the people who you need to keep for the longest time because you were being appreciated and you should do the same to them. Keep the hatred far away in between friendship or relationship. Don’t get your ego make it more wild and be the reason why people left you alone.

The moment you know you can do it, take the moment and believe that you can do it. Hope that the moment will be the moment where you started to believe that everything hard and impossible will be easy and possible. Cry, but not always. Smile, stick it forever. Laugh, it might be the music to someone’s ear. Lean on if you’re struggling with something. Never push away the people who stay. Remember; you don’t live alone, there are billions of human living under the same sky as you. Breathing different air but still breathing just like you. If the shoes hurts you, change it to the ones that comforts you. Its never too late to change everything. Always remember that everything will be better by times. You just need to wait for it, don’t rush it all. Cheer up, don’t let your crown fall to the ground and make you bow to those who don’t deserves you. You’re the ruler of your own, the owner of your own. Everything about you is always for you.

“Don’t let how you feel make you forget what you deserve” – Kush and Wizdom

“I can’t promise to fix all your problems, but I can promise you won’t have to face them alone” – Anonymous.

“Things will feel so much better soon and you need to trust in that” – Kush and Wizdom

Happiness

Don’t let anyone ever dull your sparkle. Don’t let stupid things break your happiness. Don’t let negative and toxic people rent space in your head, raise the rent and kick them out.

You know that there would always be the time where you just want to scream out loud to the whole world, and you felt like it would be nice that people can hear you from where you’re standing. Sometimes, it feels like wanting to go on a mountain or even at the beach. Maybe, even singing out loud in you room or toilet would’ve help too. It may or may not feel great, but I wanted to do it, telling the world that how my life is going and how it feels like to be happy. Some other time, some people would go to the gym and workout. I would be that some people. I would just unfold a yoga mat and workout in my room to make myself feel better, ends it with a yoga to calm myself down. But, I quit a long time ago thinking that I am a lazy-ass person who hates being in sore and I eat more. Obviously, eating > workout.

For me, finding myself happy is very hard. Trying to be happy was easy, but going home crying in my room? It feels trashy. You were holding in your tears, you decided to laugh it out loud and pretend that you’re enjoying life. Some would even thought that you’re doing fine and wonder why they’ve never seen you being down. Some would also realized that you’re lying to everyone even yourself. And I, love the people who realized it. They would actually make you feel better, take you out and let you have your time to tell them whats bothering you. They would actually love to see you laugh and smile over being sad and quiet. I appreciate these people who loves to see their friends or whoever being happy rather than bringing them down more and thinking its fun to see them crying. I mean, I’m rude just like that where I laughed at them but I love helping them. OH! And also, people who actually care about other people more than themselves, that’s great. They sacrificed their time to comfort their sad buddy and tried to make that buddy feels better. God, I just love people like that. Any other time, we have this ‘your pain is my happiness’ where friends laughed at you for falling down but they reached out their hands to help you. Man, I just love surrounding myself with people who made me laughed for all day.

Being happy can be found in different kind of ways. It doesn’t matter what kind of happiness it is to you, either you think it is based on you make your highlight pops or you got your new games. Things won’t always be the same for different genders, girls would be happy seeing their make up goes well with their outfit and eyebrows on point or maybe playing with animals made their day. Boys would be happy, well I don’t really know, but they would when they play FIFA game with their buddies and made a goal. Okay, whatever. As I said, you can find happiness in any kind of things you think it would made you happy. Whoever think it is very stupid, they’re jealous to see you happy over a small thing. Happiness would come when you see free food on table after a long day, or when someone get your bath ready for unknown reason. Happiness can also based on how you enjoy your day laughing about your friends choking while talking, or even when you came back from somewhere and straightly go to your bed. Normal, but sometimes seeing a notification from your crush. Yes, it helps to make your day better. Remember that, what makes you happy, don’t let anyone crushed it down. You deserves enjoying it happily without minding about what other people say. They’re bitter for you.

And I am happy over a small thing, like sleeping and reading comic when it is raining outside. Having coffee, staying on bed like dead corpse and listening to music would just made my day even better. I am not really a person who like to move a lot, for Pete’s sake, I would just complain about moving a lot and getting tired. Unless, I feel like moving, I would. To the other side of my bed, yes. Regarding on what made my day, as I am writing this blog with the title Happiness is because my father just made me laughed during our dinner. I have been on a very bad week, like this week just don’t make me feel better. Up until today, I was just stuck in my room after coming home from school and coming out from my room after taking a power nap to receive a question “do you want to eat?” and I said yes as I was nodding. It sucks to be right during your period week, but thanks to my parents, I feel better during our dinner. I just wished that the cramps won’t last longer, but wow, I just had to make myself a hot coconut coffee to make it feel just fine. Right! About this coconut coffee. I have wanting to show it off.

So my older sister just came back from her vacation, she bought saffron tea and coconut coffee for us. I’m the type of person who just love to try out new thing, especially when it comes to food or even a brand new drink, like its better than what not. I prefer having coffee than tea, so I tried out the coconut coffee and it tastes good. The coconut doesn’t really had the strong taste, but it goes well with the coffee. It’s rare to have the fruity coffee flavor here. It just made me feel happy to drink it, but I am young to consume coffee more than 1 per day. Funny thing, I feel sleepy rather than wide awake drinking coffee that even my power nap was for 4 hours, it was good. I have had enough rest and I am willing to sleep again since I just feel like I deserves having my beauty sleep after a month or whatever exam. Guess what!!!

I told you to guess, have I not? Well, I know its too early to be happy but I have 149 days for me to be legal. I just couldn’t wait for it, I mean who wouldn’t be happy to be out from school while others have to wake up early for school and work, yet you can just sleep in. Taking a driving class, and drive around the district. Seriously, I don’t need this driving class or be out from school since I need a vacation. Like for real, I have been wanting to get out and have fun in another country. Eating different kind of food, watching people singing at the street, dancing or you can easily say go to a concert. Wouldn’t that be a great thing? It would be one. Enjoying a day singing with your favorite band, like I can just sing any song by BTS (Beyond The Scene) with them during their concert. ARMY, where y’all at? Plus minus, I just couldn’t wait to celebrate my friend’s birthday in 154 days. I mean, we may not be friend anytime longer, but lets just hope we would and enjoy it for the time being. Phew, I am just nice like that.

Anyhow, if you think that you looked stupid for being happy just even watching the sky. You’re not. It doesn’t really matter about what kind of thing you’re happy about, if you’re happy about it, then that’s it. You don’t have to care about other people, not even your boyfriend/girlfriend can destroy your happiness just by saying something that can bring you down. I mean, if they actually love you, your happiness would make them love you more. Only bitter people would never let you be happy, unless they are above you or unless your happiness are lower than theirs. People need to know that everyone deserves to be happy. Why do we have to destroy someone’s happiness just to see them crying? If I ever did that, I would just feel guilty and I considered myself as an asshole (no matter girl or boy, still I feel like one). Making someone’s happiness go down in drain won’t make you happy. They say, “Don’t ruin other people happiness just because you can’t find your own” and I think it is true. By taking other people happiness and sticking a smile on your face, you’re just the same. Someone who is actually sad and try to be happy and especially someone who lie to not just anybody else but also to yourself. You need to cherish everything to be happy, you need to make yourself happy before making anyone else happy. You need to love yourself before anybody else could. You, yourself is important. Never let anyone say any something rude to you for being happy.

Listening to, “What?! You’re happy because you can see the sky? God, that’s pathetic. I mean I would understand if you’re happy because Halloween is coming” — that is just plain dumb. Being happy to see the sky isn’t pathetic, because not everyone can see it. We need to appreciate with what we have, unlike some other people. They can’t see, blind people would have a hard time. Do you think yourself is cool to say something like that to blind people? If you do then, you’re pathetic and very rude. As I have written on my blog over and over again, you deserves to be happy. Everyone does. Animals can be happy too. Cherish every moment because it might not last longer.

“The key of being happy is knowing you have the power to choose what to accept and what to let go” – Dodinsky.

Happiness is a state of mind, a choice, a way of living; it is not something to be achieved, it is something to be experienced” – Dr. Steve Maraboli