You and I

I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.

Trust. Respect. Effort. Honesty. Self-Love. Communication. Connection

Is it wrong for me to be happy even if it’s only for a day? Is it wrong for me to enjoy a day laughing forgetting how it feels like to be sad? Does it make you happy to see me cry all night? Does it make you feel better to see me frowning forgetting how to smile? Was I the one who make things wrong since the very first start? Were you the only one who can do anything you want and I am the one who only listens to you? Am I the only one who is happy for our relationship? Are you tired of me? I hope it wasn’t a mistake to love you.

I only want to be happy. It doesn’t matter how long it’ll last, but I wanted to feel happy like how I used to. Back then I was happy alone, but now, I wanted to feel happy with you. If my happiness make you unhappy, don’t you feel guilty making my day worst? Have you ever realized that it was only you who made me this way, and no one else? Do you think the moment I am laughing, is the moment where I am actually happy? Have the thought of fake happy ever cross your mind? If only you can hear my heart crying, you would feel sorry and begged for forgiveness. You wouldn’t scold me over a small thing, you wouldn’t dare to see me cry again. Don’t you ever want to see me smiling with the purest one and never applying the fake one? Does it hurt you so much to see me smiling? Don’t you ever feel sad to see me crying all night, the next day smiling and the night crying. Repeating the same thing, with or without telling you? I hope everything would be obvious so I wouldn’t be treated like it again and again. I never asked for too much from you, but a happiness with you forever. A good memories with you more than the bad ones. A moment to see you smiling because of me.

Do I need to ask for a permission from you to do something or wear something? Do I need to ask you if I can laugh and wear a smile? Do I need to ask you if I can cry? If I need to, would you still care and asked me questions. Pampering me with loving words, comforting me even when you couldn’t do it, trying to make me feel better. Have you ever feel like a bad person for making me feel this way? Sometimes, I wonder. Do I need to be happy only with you or can I be happy with my friends too? Or, should I not be happy all the time I am around with you? Would my sadness be your happiness?

I have a hope in me. A hope where I am not the only who still put effort in our relationship. Effort on how to make our relationship strong, to make us happy, to make you feel better, to make you stay with me. A hope where you wouldn’t get tired of me as yours truly love. A hope that you’re hoping the same. As I realized, it feels lonely since I am the only one who put efforts in our relationship. It was always me, and never you. Then, a moment where I complained, you acted like you’re innocent and aren’t the cause of a problem. In your view, it was always me. The one who supposed to be blamed would always be me not you. I’m always wrong, and you’re always right. Can you respect me once? Respect on how I did a better job putting the efforts unlike how you did. Respect on how strong I am to even stay with you. Respect me because I never gave up on you, on us. Not even when I am tired. Give me some credits wouldn’t be a problem, right? Respect me that I am doing fine even after how many scolds I’ve received from you.

Oh, do you even trust me? Sometimes I think a lot about it. How you accused me of talking with other guy, how you need pictures as evidence, how you got jealous of seeing me with my guy-friend even when you’re supposed to know that you’re the only man I see in my eyes. Trust me wouldn’t be a hard thing right? You’re the one who wants me to become your girl, I accept you because I love you. Can’t you do the same thing? Accepting me with trust and love. Honestly, no matter how tired I am. I am afraid of letting you go, not when it’s not the time where I am ready to let you go because my heart still wants you and I still love you. You never know how much happy I am since day one until now. You never know how much I wanted to tell the world on how I love you.

I am tired of our toxic relationship. A relationship where people thought we’re happy but only the two of us know how toxic it is. Or maybe, I am the only one who know that I am in the toxic relationship. Can’t we changed it to the healthy one? I don’t want to picture us badly. You told me you’re going to change and become good, but why does it seems like you’re not doing the right thing? Were you out of your mind when you promised me? Or, the promised you made were only a word to make me stay longer? To be honest, if you hate me that much. Break up with me. If you can’t take care of me like how I do to you. Leave me. If you feel like another girl is better than me, tell me. Do you asked me out as your girl, because you feel lonely? Was your ex-girlfriend better than me? Do you still love her? If I asked you these questions, would it make you feel happy? No, and does it hit you that the questions I asked includes how I don’t trust you and how I wanted to know if you’ll tell me the truth or not. Would you hate the questions I asked, because same. I hate how you clearly doubt me every single day.

For better times, I wanted to have a healthy relationship. I want to be happy, I want to laugh with my friends. I don’t care on how it made my surrounding brighter than before. I miss laughing with no pain hiding inside of my heart, laughing until my stomach and cheeks hurt, laughing until I coughed. I miss the times where I’m happy with or without a lover. Slowly, I am getting tired of being under control. Tired of being someone that I have/need to be not becoming myself and making myself enjoy the time being. I am a human too, I cry when I am hurting or sad. I laugh when I am happy. I might fell sick out of nowhere, I might sprained my ankle anytime. I have feelings, moods, mind and heart. If you can’t take care of it, why are you even here complaining how hard I am? Why do you even complain on how much of a burden I am as your girlfriend? Do you need my permission to attack me? Oh honey, don’t lie saying you can’t live without me. I’ve seen you breathing fine alone. Don’t lie saying “It’s always you who will be right, I am always the one to blame” when you should know that you’re the reason and the cause. Never anyone else, but you.

If you want me to be happy, make me happy without complaining. If you want me to stay, make me stay without trying to make me feel shitty. Appreciate me as your girl, I would do it hundred times better for you. Just so you know, no matter how much pain I’ve gone through with/because of, you. I still stay and say “I love you” because it is true.

“I don’t need a perfect life. I just want to be happy, surrounded by good people who love me for who I am”

“Don’t try to change me, accept me for who I am. You can either love me or hate me, but I can only be me”

“I’d rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not” – Kurt Cobain.

Childhood

Always keep the simple and loving heart of your childhood.

Have you ever looked through photo albums and smile looking at the pictures that made you recall your childhood? Do you ever feel like you want to go back to that moment to enjoy it more better? Especially, have you ever feel like you want the younger you because you hate yourself growing in pain?

I actually love it, reminiscing the moment while looking through pictures. Pictures which I can feel the way I laughed, the time I cried. Most importantly, being happy and treated like a little princess just made me feel like I am being appreciated and received much love. As for now, I am supposed to be happy and being all grown up. I am, I have been growing up as days pass and never was happy like my childhood. It was really hard being a lady, student and someone who tried to keep money. Trying to get good results, making someone happy and enjoying the moment where I am all happy. Making someone happy, won’t make you happy because you only care for them and never was for your own.

Recalling back to where I was being taught for having manners by my parents. I was clumsy that I used to shave my left eyebrow, my mom locked me up in a room so I won’t do the same thing again. Eating ice cream outside the house so I would make any mess, but I just love how my dad used to love taking pictures of me with his camera and framed it. I remember crying over a game, because I wasn’t given a chance for playing a Playstation during that time. Not forgetting how my mom taught me how to cook fried egg, which I burnt the pan. I learned a lot of things since I was young, being a lady at a very young age. So cool, not. How I loved to pucker up my lip, seeing people taking pictures of me, playing around with my cousins and friends. All of the things that I’ve done, would never be forgotten. You thought I have not remember any of my childhood, but I do.

Having a family vacation with my mother’s side, hanging out with my father’s side, playing with my friends at the playground, arguing over a small thing with my friends and watching the cartoons up until your bedtime. Everything would be so perfect if we stay young forever, don’t you think so? Laughing all day, being tickled, celebrating your birthday and receives cute gifts from your relatives or friends. Oh, I remember my most favorite birthday celebration.

I couldn’t recall my age during that time, but I can remember that my grandmother was there. She gave me money as my gift, telling me to buy goodies with it. That wasn’t really the great part, what would it be then? She pampered me with kisses on cheeks, nose and forehead. That moment didn’t really last longer for every year, it happened only once and now I’m empty. She must be happy watching all of us from above, she might actually praying for us to be strong enough. No matter what happens, I would never forget how she give me kisses and chocolates while my grandfather told her not to. Though we haven’t done many memories, I would still enjoy the moments we have done together as grandmother-grandchild.

Other than that, telling scary stories to your friends. Goodness, my childhood was kindly funny and stupid in a good way. Young people, we don’t know much about it. Sharpening our pencils together at the corner back, just to talk with each other when our seats have been separated. Copying each other’s homework, going to the toilet together and sharing our packed lunch. I used to remember how my friend’s mother bought me food if I didn’t bring any, she wouldn’t let me feel hungry in school. But that’s just how I am, I don’t usually eat the school’s cooked food.

There’s a lot of memories that I remember, because I slightly feel off tonight and every memories started to replay in my head by its own. How I love being young and treated like a little kid, how people laughed with me over a small thing, how my jokes are being taken in a good way with no sensitivity. How I would wake up being in a good mood, feeling energetic and smiling all day out.

I have no other ideas on what to tell, I just feel like sharing my childhood up on my blog. Sharing on how small things made me happy when I was younger. I even hit lizard’s egg with a rock after I saw it moves around, I didn’t know what it was.

You have to cherish the moment you’re doing, either you like it or not. It is for the best, you might not making any favorable memories anymore. Be around with people who loves to be around with you, laughed around with them and make a best memories. You deserves being happy and keeping a memory you won’t ever forget it.

“The older I get, the more I appreciate my childhood. It was paradise” – Greg Mortenson

Goodbye

I turn away and close my heart, to the promise of love that is luring. For the past has taught to not be caught, in what is not worth pursuing. To never do the things I’ve done that once had led to my undoing.

Every people have feelings for other. It would either be partners or friends. Some people would have gotten together with their lover, some would break up with each other. Days would never go with how you expected, things will come unexpectedly. Only you would make a choice on; be ready or be in denial. Love doesn’t matter on age or visual, if you love someone, then that’s it. Love doesn’t mean using someone as an opportunity to make you feel less lonely, to show how you can get someone easily or to force yourself move on from your ex. It is to show how you guys are fate to be with each other, becoming each other sources of happiness, putting all trust towards your relationship and believing that they are your true love or maybe your soulmates.

If nothing goes right like how you want it to be, don’t ever think that.. its over. It is not, you have to put efforts in everything. No matter if you do it alone or together, at least you did your job to put everything for it. If to be happy with that person is what you want, then get that person before anyone else could. If you couldn’t, let them be happy with anyone else. They say “if happy is her/him, then I am happy for you” and you just have to hope that everything will be alright in between the couple, and also to yourself. Begging won’t make it, so does forcing it as you are giving someone a hope. False hope.

And I just got my heart stolen by someone, it was thrown away right after. I don’t know if I should cry or just let it be, because I felt numb and for all I know, I feel like dying. I don’t only feel like dying, but I also feel like the world is crushing me down to pieces. A time where I believed that I want to fade away from everyone’s memory, a moment to believe that you are slowly dead to people. As they are happy to see you broken like a glass. Everyone stare at it for so long instead of cleaning it up, just like how cars would drive on road endlessly until they reached their destination, which is their limits. Mostly, everything is killing you softly and quietly.

About time where you actually wanted to be loved and feel the love from someone, but it never happened. They walked away from you without looking back, you’re falling down scrapped your knees and no one even asked you if you’re okay. They walked as if you’re nothing but just a trash that no one would pick it up. For all the moment, I thought everything was real. His love, his happiness with me and his trust to me. Then, I realized, nothing was all about me. From the beginning, until the end.. I was alone while he had somebody else. I should’ve trust people around me, but I was too selfish. Not because I don’t want to believe, but because I love him I didn’t go far away from him. It was always me, who was happy in between us. Nothing about the third person exist, up until today, she walked into our life. Not only that, but they walked leaving me behind. Suddenly, I asked myself few questions.. “Am I worth it? Will waiting be the right decision? Should I.. leave him alone with her?”

Minutes by minutes, I slowly feel like I wanted to cry but nothing came out. I feel like shouting and throwing everything, but then nobody will even care about me. No one will show up asking if I am alright or not. Its only me, myself and I. Luckily, I taught myself to stand by my own. Be strong on my own, believing that nobody will ever stay with you and you can never rely on someone forever. Nothing hurts me more than someone who I love, left me. I never know if it was a one-sided love, love triangle or it was just nothing close to having a relationship at all. All I know is that, it hurts me a lot that it made me feel numb. Crying doesn’t worth it, because he won’t come back. Waiting might take too much time, but I don’t want to leave. Realizing that, I am denying because I am scared of everything. Mostly, losing someone I love.

Listening to a sad song won’t help, chocolate doesn’t. Not even an ice cream helps me feel better. I don’t usually feel this way, but I just got my heart broken for real now. I can’t believe I am pulling the wrong string, with all my heart and because of my own mistake.. I denied everything and got my heart broken into pieces. Will I be able to make it go back to normal? Will there be anyone who is willing to take care of it? Will someone appreciate my heart that had receives wound several times? Will someone even appreciate having me for life and is afraid to lose me?

Oh god, how I hope that being happy will last longer than ever. Can it stay with me longer and forever? Would it let me cry in happiness instead of turning the table to the other way round? Can everything be over by tonight after crying to bed? I am suffocating, I just wish that time will stop as I am appreciating every moment but now its a goodbye.

Nothing is left behind, just a memory that only I cherished but never did by him. We started with a hello, and ended with nothing but silence. I volunteer to walk away, with a goodbye.

“Nothing hurts more than trying so hard to be good enough and being replaced by someone better” – h.n

“I guess goodbyes are the only perfect things left for us” – anonymous.