Goodbye

I turn away and close my heart, to the promise of love that is luring. For the past has taught to not be caught, in what is not worth pursuing. To never do the things I’ve done that once had led to my undoing.

Every people have feelings for other. It would either be partners or friends. Some people would have gotten together with their lover, some would break up with each other. Days would never go with how you expected, things will come unexpectedly. Only you would make a choice on; be ready or be in denial. Love doesn’t matter on age or visual, if you love someone, then that’s it. Love doesn’t mean using someone as an opportunity to make you feel less lonely, to show how you can get someone easily or to force yourself move on from your ex. It is to show how you guys are fate to be with each other, becoming each other sources of happiness, putting all trust towards your relationship and believing that they are your true love or maybe your soulmates.

If nothing goes right like how you want it to be, don’t ever think that.. its over. It is not, you have to put efforts in everything. No matter if you do it alone or together, at least you did your job to put everything for it. If to be happy with that person is what you want, then get that person before anyone else could. If you couldn’t, let them be happy with anyone else. They say “if happy is her/him, then I am happy for you” and you just have to hope that everything will be alright in between the couple, and also to yourself. Begging won’t make it, so does forcing it as you are giving someone a hope. False hope.

And I just got my heart stolen by someone, it was thrown away right after. I don’t know if I should cry or just let it be, because I felt numb and for all I know, I feel like dying. I don’t only feel like dying, but I also feel like the world is crushing me down to pieces. A time where I believed that I want to fade away from everyone’s memory, a moment to believe that you are slowly dead to people. As they are happy to see you broken like a glass. Everyone stare at it for so long instead of cleaning it up, just like how cars would drive on road endlessly until they reached their destination, which is their limits. Mostly, everything is killing you softly and quietly.

About time where you actually wanted to be loved and feel the love from someone, but it never happened. They walked away from you without looking back, you’re falling down scrapped your knees and no one even asked you if you’re okay. They walked as if you’re nothing but just a trash that no one would pick it up. For all the moment, I thought everything was real. His love, his happiness with me and his trust to me. Then, I realized, nothing was all about me. From the beginning, until the end.. I was alone while he had somebody else. I should’ve trust people around me, but I was too selfish. Not because I don’t want to believe, but because I love him I didn’t go far away from him. It was always me, who was happy in between us. Nothing about the third person exist, up until today, she walked into our life. Not only that, but they walked leaving me behind. Suddenly, I asked myself few questions.. “Am I worth it? Will waiting be the right decision? Should I.. leave him alone with her?”

Minutes by minutes, I slowly feel like I wanted to cry but nothing came out. I feel like shouting and throwing everything, but then nobody will even care about me. No one will show up asking if I am alright or not. Its only me, myself and I. Luckily, I taught myself to stand by my own. Be strong on my own, believing that nobody will ever stay with you and you can never rely on someone forever. Nothing hurts me more than someone who I love, left me. I never know if it was a one-sided love, love triangle or it was just nothing close to having a relationship at all. All I know is that, it hurts me a lot that it made me feel numb. Crying doesn’t worth it, because he won’t come back. Waiting might take too much time, but I don’t want to leave. Realizing that, I am denying because I am scared of everything. Mostly, losing someone I love.

Listening to a sad song won’t help, chocolate doesn’t. Not even an ice cream helps me feel better. I don’t usually feel this way, but I just got my heart broken for real now. I can’t believe I am pulling the wrong string, with all my heart and because of my own mistake.. I denied everything and got my heart broken into pieces. Will I be able to make it go back to normal? Will there be anyone who is willing to take care of it? Will someone appreciate my heart that had receives wound several times? Will someone even appreciate having me for life and is afraid to lose me?

Oh god, how I hope that being happy will last longer than ever. Can it stay with me longer and forever? Would it let me cry in happiness instead of turning the table to the other way round? Can everything be over by tonight after crying to bed? I am suffocating, I just wish that time will stop as I am appreciating every moment but now its a goodbye.

Nothing is left behind, just a memory that only I cherished but never did by him. We started with a hello, and ended with nothing but silence. I volunteer to walk away, with a goodbye.

“Nothing hurts more than trying so hard to be good enough and being replaced by someone better” – h.n

“I guess goodbyes are the only perfect things left for us” – anonymous.