You and I

I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.

Trust. Respect. Effort. Honesty. Self-Love. Communication. Connection

Is it wrong for me to be happy even if it’s only for a day? Is it wrong for me to enjoy a day laughing forgetting how it feels like to be sad? Does it make you happy to see me cry all night? Does it make you feel better to see me frowning forgetting how to smile? Was I the one who make things wrong since the very first start? Were you the only one who can do anything you want and I am the one who only listens to you? Am I the only one who is happy for our relationship? Are you tired of me? I hope it wasn’t a mistake to love you.

I only want to be happy. It doesn’t matter how long it’ll last, but I wanted to feel happy like how I used to. Back then I was happy alone, but now, I wanted to feel happy with you. If my happiness make you unhappy, don’t you feel guilty making my day worst? Have you ever realized that it was only you who made me this way, and no one else? Do you think the moment I am laughing, is the moment where I am actually happy? Have the thought of fake happy ever cross your mind? If only you can hear my heart crying, you would feel sorry and begged for forgiveness. You wouldn’t scold me over a small thing, you wouldn’t dare to see me cry again. Don’t you ever want to see me smiling with the purest one and never applying the fake one? Does it hurt you so much to see me smiling? Don’t you ever feel sad to see me crying all night, the next day smiling and the night crying. Repeating the same thing, with or without telling you? I hope everything would be obvious so I wouldn’t be treated like it again and again. I never asked for too much from you, but a happiness with you forever. A good memories with you more than the bad ones. A moment to see you smiling because of me.

Do I need to ask for a permission from you to do something or wear something? Do I need to ask you if I can laugh and wear a smile? Do I need to ask you if I can cry? If I need to, would you still care and asked me questions. Pampering me with loving words, comforting me even when you couldn’t do it, trying to make me feel better. Have you ever feel like a bad person for making me feel this way? Sometimes, I wonder. Do I need to be happy only with you or can I be happy with my friends too? Or, should I not be happy all the time I am around with you? Would my sadness be your happiness?

I have a hope in me. A hope where I am not the only who still put effort in our relationship. Effort on how to make our relationship strong, to make us happy, to make you feel better, to make you stay with me. A hope where you wouldn’t get tired of me as yours truly love. A hope that you’re hoping the same. As I realized, it feels lonely since I am the only one who put efforts in our relationship. It was always me, and never you. Then, a moment where I complained, you acted like you’re innocent and aren’t the cause of a problem. In your view, it was always me. The one who supposed to be blamed would always be me not you. I’m always wrong, and you’re always right. Can you respect me once? Respect on how I did a better job putting the efforts unlike how you did. Respect on how strong I am to even stay with you. Respect me because I never gave up on you, on us. Not even when I am tired. Give me some credits wouldn’t be a problem, right? Respect me that I am doing fine even after how many scolds I’ve received from you.

Oh, do you even trust me? Sometimes I think a lot about it. How you accused me of talking with other guy, how you need pictures as evidence, how you got jealous of seeing me with my guy-friend even when you’re supposed to know that you’re the only man I see in my eyes. Trust me wouldn’t be a hard thing right? You’re the one who wants me to become your girl, I accept you because I love you. Can’t you do the same thing? Accepting me with trust and love. Honestly, no matter how tired I am. I am afraid of letting you go, not when it’s not the time where I am ready to let you go because my heart still wants you and I still love you. You never know how much happy I am since day one until now. You never know how much I wanted to tell the world on how I love you.

I am tired of our toxic relationship. A relationship where people thought we’re happy but only the two of us know how toxic it is. Or maybe, I am the only one who know that I am in the toxic relationship. Can’t we changed it to the healthy one? I don’t want to picture us badly. You told me you’re going to change and become good, but why does it seems like you’re not doing the right thing? Were you out of your mind when you promised me? Or, the promised you made were only a word to make me stay longer? To be honest, if you hate me that much. Break up with me. If you can’t take care of me like how I do to you. Leave me. If you feel like another girl is better than me, tell me. Do you asked me out as your girl, because you feel lonely? Was your ex-girlfriend better than me? Do you still love her? If I asked you these questions, would it make you feel happy? No, and does it hit you that the questions I asked includes how I don’t trust you and how I wanted to know if you’ll tell me the truth or not. Would you hate the questions I asked, because same. I hate how you clearly doubt me every single day.

For better times, I wanted to have a healthy relationship. I want to be happy, I want to laugh with my friends. I don’t care on how it made my surrounding brighter than before. I miss laughing with no pain hiding inside of my heart, laughing until my stomach and cheeks hurt, laughing until I coughed. I miss the times where I’m happy with or without a lover. Slowly, I am getting tired of being under control. Tired of being someone that I have/need to be not becoming myself and making myself enjoy the time being. I am a human too, I cry when I am hurting or sad. I laugh when I am happy. I might fell sick out of nowhere, I might sprained my ankle anytime. I have feelings, moods, mind and heart. If you can’t take care of it, why are you even here complaining how hard I am? Why do you even complain on how much of a burden I am as your girlfriend? Do you need my permission to attack me? Oh honey, don’t lie saying you can’t live without me. I’ve seen you breathing fine alone. Don’t lie saying “It’s always you who will be right, I am always the one to blame” when you should know that you’re the reason and the cause. Never anyone else, but you.

If you want me to be happy, make me happy without complaining. If you want me to stay, make me stay without trying to make me feel shitty. Appreciate me as your girl, I would do it hundred times better for you. Just so you know, no matter how much pain I’ve gone through with/because of, you. I still stay and say “I love you” because it is true.

“I don’t need a perfect life. I just want to be happy, surrounded by good people who love me for who I am”

“Don’t try to change me, accept me for who I am. You can either love me or hate me, but I can only be me”

“I’d rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not” – Kurt Cobain.

Something About Me and Loving Yourself

Study me as much as you like, you will not know me. For I differ in a hundred ways from what you see me to be. Put yourself behind my eyes and see me as I see myself, for I have chosen to dwell in a place you cannot see.

As I know that this was supposed to be for the first blog, but let me live doing it as my seventh blog. I wouldn’t be revealing too much about me, I mean lets just be a little low profile. You probably just know that I am a girl who is currently 17 years old, and a student. I opened up a new chapter on August 8 and it went pretty well.. I guess. Just guessing okay?

Anyways, I am a girl who think a lot and someone who wants more than just a thing. As an example, I wouldn’t had enough with only two chocolates, give me more until it’s finished. But, regarding people giving me food, I don’t usually do the same. I prefer having it all to me, that’s just how greedy I am. Unless, you asked permission to have it then it’s all good. I am student, and English is not my first language. So, sometimes I have a hard time trying to explain things. No lies, but I actually talked too much in English rather than mother language. It’s very complicated though, like I am just that dumb. Mostly, I mixed my languages while I am talking. People have to deal with it, and they had to act like they understand me. Nice shot. Other than that, I also have many kind of things that I like to do. A difference with love, what? I don’t know. Things that I like to do is, taking random pictures. Yeah, well my highlights would be the sky, my family, friends or outfits. Best shot would always be my outfit, okay that self-appreciation. Besides taking picture, I do workout during my free time. Not really, it depends on how boring my day could be. I mean it’s not a daily routine, I’d workout once a week or even once a month or so other months. I am just cool like that, no offense. By the time, I finished doing my workout. I would eat a piece of cake, I don’t care anymore. Since, we have cakes at home so why not? They are meant to be eaten not to be kept, duh. I am the type of person that would easily be motivated, but also fast at being demotivated. As I said, I am complicated. I have attended 6 schools before, transferring here and there like a ping pong ball. But never was smart like Einstein after attending 6 schools. The current one is the sixth one, imagine graduating and going to another school. Mom, be proud of me, I made it!

Moving on, I am highly introvert but I am also an extrovert. How the hell did I happened to be that complicated? Okay, other than being both -vert. I love trying out new things, I love the thoughts of me being someone independent soon, the thoughts of me graduating and traveling. Wow. I love having money in my wallet, I don’t know, even two dollar make me feel happy. Hey, I worked my best to get allowance. I have many fears, not that I am traumatic or what. It’s just a fear that made me want to get over with, I don’t know if you call it phobia or what. I have fear of heights, but I actually don’t mind being in flight.. On air. It is not that, I am very scared of it. Um, whatever. Lets not get into the complicated side of me. Trust me, I have never tried playing roller coaster, bungee jumping, viking. Bro, I have ever been to the amusement park. I never ride the rides there, sucks to be me, I know right. Not even merry-go-around, not even the freaking Ferris Wheel or even the normal swings. So yeah, I wasted money breathing the air of amusement park without riding any. Plus, the rides used to be boring. Nothing much like the Disneyland. Up until last year, I guess, they renovate the place. It was totally awesome now, what I mean by awesome is that, the placed becomes more packed now and people started to complain about the price. Kendrick Lamar said, “Sit down, be humble”

Despite that, I have asked my friends on how do they think of me during our first meeting. We’ve known in Facebook, but I was being unappreciated back then, a friend of mine tried not to be my friend. Boom! Look what happened, we’ve become friends. Though, we changed our class and become more distant with each other. I’ve become closer to few of my classmates. I wasn’t the most favorite classmate ever, but never was the most hated. I guess. I mean, I don’t mingle in everywhere randomly. We have been together for almost three years, and we started to become closer by the end of 2016. Mostly of us though, I haven’t expand my circle since I was young. I would either have two to three friends. Sometimes, I tried to be comfortable with the others. Most of the time, I found myself comfortable being alone. But since it’s my final year in school, so I decided to mingle in everywhere with my classmates. My classmates are extras, sometimes I don’t even know how normal they used to be. Back to it, I have apply on my resting-bitch face and some would say I look very intimidating. I have different kind of personalities, attitudes, faces and sometimes I can never accept you in my friend-list. Some would say I am a rude person, cold and someone who is judgemental. I wouldn’t deny that, but some would say I am outgoing, funny and a meme. I won’t deny that, I mean I am just that type of person only to certain people. If I treated you nicely, you should be lucky. Because I don’t accept people easily and be nice to them 24/7. My friends? They should feel appreciated though. Except for someone, I was being called with a rude word for breathing and I wouldn’t easily be nice to her or even acted like a lovely friend. Duh. I wouldn’t be appreciating someone who call me names differently and hate me for being nice.

Other than that, I am also someone who is pretty short. I sleep late, so you know, I have dark circles and eye bags. They are cheap Gucci, only cheap for me since I created it. I also have acne, scars and double chin. I used to be chubby since 2008 if I am not mistaken, then I started to lose weight around 2010 or 2012. I don’t know what made me lose it, but for all I remember, I joined basketball club. Then, I quit to join the cooking club. Legend of putting food as her priority. I mean, you can eat without paying since you’re cooking. Besides that, I wanted to be a fashion designer but nah. Some parts of me, wants to travel around the world after my school ends. But depends on the money I have though. Luck never stays loyal with me.

I know that this blog is getting random as I am that kind of person. I am either weird or random, nothing close to normal but always a lame person. Boring? Yeah, that’s me. Anyways, whoever you are. You have to appreciate yourself. If you wanna get surgery, do so. If you wanna try out new things, do so. If you wanna go out to the gym, do so. Enjoy living with food and do not like working out, do so. You do you, you own yourself, why do other people have to point out things and make you feel insecure? If it makes you happy, then that’s it right? You have your rights to be happy with your looks, body and any other things. Like me, I love myself too much that I took over 50 pictures of me. I appreciate myself nowadays. My only insecurity is my dark circle, it’s the highlight on my face. I mean I am ugly, but the dark circle made me look ten times uglier than normal. I even laughed when my teacher said I am getting fatter. I love me. That’s how I appreciate myself, its normal. Anyways, no matter how other people think of you and say about you, and tell you that you’re ugly. No, you’re not. I believe that you’re good-looking. It doesn’t matter how you changed your looks, go out with make-up on, or try your best to be better for someone. You still are good-looking and worth everything. Don’t make them feel sorry for you to have different looks, feel sorry for them that they are jealous and minding you more than themselves. Beyond The Scene said, Love Yourself.

“Fall in love with taking care of yourself. Mind. Body. Spirit”

“Worry about loving yourself, instead of loving the idea of other people loving you” – Kush and Wizdom

“Nobody can make you happy until you’re happy with yourself first”

Improving and Inspiration!

The road to success comes through hard work, determination and sacrifice. Success is not built on success. It’s built on failure. It’s built on frustration. Sometimes its built on catastrophe.

Before I start off my things related to the title. I would loved to tell you that I am not a person who loves to study, not even close to become someone who actually like to go to school. I mean, I do, but I hate waking up early. Overall, I am the type of person who would study last minute. Like, a day or two before exam starts, I worked my ass off to study until late night. There would be a 50-50 chances of passing or failing and I did both at once. Nothing to be proud of! But, that’s who I am.

I used to study during the exam day, like if today’s my exam and that’s the day where I’ll study. Guess what? I have failed one subject and pass the others. Might say, a legend but no. That was like, in 2014, so yeah. Deserves an award for studying during the day and passing almost all of the subjects yet graduating with ‘Rank 1, Aggregate 21’. Don’t doubt a lazy-looking person, like me. Hey, I exposed my result. Moving on! We had our first exam during April 2017, I guess, I couldn’t remember the month but it sucks. I failed 6 subjects and credit 2 subjects. Which happens to be English and Commerce, I’m taking the papers as a joke. So what happened was, I’m not ready and I didn’t study because I was seriously not in my mind back then. We got our results and rankings, I was ranked in the last place. No jokes, I’m for real. I felt like I was such a disgrace and I thought negatively of myself. I couldn’t even pretend to be sad about it, plus I was out of the country back then, so I was mentally prepared for all scolds and such others. I have no one to blame on, it was entirely my fault. However, learn your own mistakes, without relying on other people.

Improvements! Recently, my class received our qualification exam papers. We have 8 subjects in total, and I won’t talk about my classmates.. just me. As I mentioned, I failed 6 subjects for our first exam and pass only 2 subjects. The qualifying exam was based on more likely to a payments exam, if you failed a subject, you have to pay for it. I am not sure how the system works but we have to pay. Again, I didn’t study. I did! But not as much as I would, I studied a little for an hour during nighttime. Not to forget, I attended goal-programmed (an extra class for the chosen students of how we can improved our studies, if I am not mistaken) and recently, I was chosen for the peer-coaching programmed (a Friday class for the chosen students where teachers have trust of us having 5 credits and above in O Level) — Not saying the others couldn’t, it is a way of how they want us to study and got credit/pass in the subject we are weak in, I assumed. I used to attend tuition but I quit. Reason was, I have packed schedules and I know that the more we study the more improvements we get. I couldn’t take it, so I think highly of the two programs that I have. Goal and Peer. I make the two programs as the path of helping me to improve my studies and result.

And so, with the classes I have attended. I never felt like, it was demotivating at all. Instead, I took it as a moment of where I would be grateful that I am chosen as one of the students where they believed that I can improved and achieved a better result. Back to the moment of where I said, I didn’t study. I seriously, didn’t study. We had school holidays, then two weeks or three, we have our examination and I wasn’t ready. I was still in my holiday moment. By saying I improved a lot, yes I did. No lies, I may have zero evidence but hey, my juniors or schoolmates are reading my blogs quietly as I am publishing it on public. As a senior, I wouldn’t dare to say something that seems pathetic by reality and on social media. Yet, as a senior, keeping up the good image to your juniors is a must. I wouldn’t know who and when they are reading this, but I would only say thank you for reading. Again, I improved in few subjects. Math, Geography, English and Malay. As for the others, I would almost get a pass. I have like 5 marks or more to get a pass or even better, credit. For someone who didn’t love Math, she made it. I made it. If I’m not mistaken, my overall during the first exam wasn’t even close to 20% which is a total failure. Now, I have 49% for both papers, again.. If I am not mistaken. As for Geography, my eyes shed tears in silence. I went seriously from a low marks up to the highest than before. A short story, I was in 11th place, but since I corrected the calculations of my papers for Geography, I had moved up to 9th out of 23 students. I am satisfied.

So basically, that is the part of my improvements. Then, I would sincerely say that I may not be the best senior, but I did my best to show you my best side. I may also not be the senior that you are looking up to, but I am the senior who is wishing for the best of you in everything.

Inspiration! There are no specific reason on why I started writing blogs, I just feel like sharing something. I am not the kind of person who can say something out loud, I found it really hard to do so. I also quit writing fiction stories, because it wasn’t my type to write something up on my imaginations. Especially, when my brain won’t make any good ideas of better story-line. Writing blogs, I actually wrote it based on my mood, feelings and what I wanted to say. New Chapter, was based on how I learned to accept things and telling the public how I am changing myself into someone better than before. Happiness, was based on how I finally started to feel happy like a little kid who have received a chocolate for being good and how I wanted to tell people that there’s nothing wrong on being happy over a small thing. Goodbye, it was actually dedicated to someone who I used to love.. currently I still am loving him but I am starting to walk away because it is for the better and how I couldn’t help but keeping the memories of us as everything started to fade. Better By Times, it is about how I am getting better by days. Believing myself that I am stronger and I can do it. It is related to Goodbye. Childhood, was a random blog that I came up with, because last night I was reminiscing about it and the thoughts of being a kid once again just made me feel like writing it.

This is another random blog that appeared out of nowhere, and yet published to public because I am in the mood of writing a new blog, perhaps blogs. I may not be the best author of making blogs, but as I have told you, I am writing based on the moment I am in or feels. A little update: I am slowly recovering from my heartbreak and finally started to feel better by my own. I am breathing the good air without someone. Last but not least, I would loved to thank those who read my blogs silently. You may or may not support me, but I really do hope that everything you have or achieving right now will be the better ones. Do have a very great day!

 

“The master has failed more times than the beginner has even tried” – Anonymous.

“Don’t worry about failures, worry about the chances you miss when you don’t even try” – Jack Canfield.

Childhood

Always keep the simple and loving heart of your childhood.

Have you ever looked through photo albums and smile looking at the pictures that made you recall your childhood? Do you ever feel like you want to go back to that moment to enjoy it more better? Especially, have you ever feel like you want the younger you because you hate yourself growing in pain?

I actually love it, reminiscing the moment while looking through pictures. Pictures which I can feel the way I laughed, the time I cried. Most importantly, being happy and treated like a little princess just made me feel like I am being appreciated and received much love. As for now, I am supposed to be happy and being all grown up. I am, I have been growing up as days pass and never was happy like my childhood. It was really hard being a lady, student and someone who tried to keep money. Trying to get good results, making someone happy and enjoying the moment where I am all happy. Making someone happy, won’t make you happy because you only care for them and never was for your own.

Recalling back to where I was being taught for having manners by my parents. I was clumsy that I used to shave my left eyebrow, my mom locked me up in a room so I won’t do the same thing again. Eating ice cream outside the house so I would make any mess, but I just love how my dad used to love taking pictures of me with his camera and framed it. I remember crying over a game, because I wasn’t given a chance for playing a Playstation during that time. Not forgetting how my mom taught me how to cook fried egg, which I burnt the pan. I learned a lot of things since I was young, being a lady at a very young age. So cool, not. How I loved to pucker up my lip, seeing people taking pictures of me, playing around with my cousins and friends. All of the things that I’ve done, would never be forgotten. You thought I have not remember any of my childhood, but I do.

Having a family vacation with my mother’s side, hanging out with my father’s side, playing with my friends at the playground, arguing over a small thing with my friends and watching the cartoons up until your bedtime. Everything would be so perfect if we stay young forever, don’t you think so? Laughing all day, being tickled, celebrating your birthday and receives cute gifts from your relatives or friends. Oh, I remember my most favorite birthday celebration.

I couldn’t recall my age during that time, but I can remember that my grandmother was there. She gave me money as my gift, telling me to buy goodies with it. That wasn’t really the great part, what would it be then? She pampered me with kisses on cheeks, nose and forehead. That moment didn’t really last longer for every year, it happened only once and now I’m empty. She must be happy watching all of us from above, she might actually praying for us to be strong enough. No matter what happens, I would never forget how she give me kisses and chocolates while my grandfather told her not to. Though we haven’t done many memories, I would still enjoy the moments we have done together as grandmother-grandchild.

Other than that, telling scary stories to your friends. Goodness, my childhood was kindly funny and stupid in a good way. Young people, we don’t know much about it. Sharpening our pencils together at the corner back, just to talk with each other when our seats have been separated. Copying each other’s homework, going to the toilet together and sharing our packed lunch. I used to remember how my friend’s mother bought me food if I didn’t bring any, she wouldn’t let me feel hungry in school. But that’s just how I am, I don’t usually eat the school’s cooked food.

There’s a lot of memories that I remember, because I slightly feel off tonight and every memories started to replay in my head by its own. How I love being young and treated like a little kid, how people laughed with me over a small thing, how my jokes are being taken in a good way with no sensitivity. How I would wake up being in a good mood, feeling energetic and smiling all day out.

I have no other ideas on what to tell, I just feel like sharing my childhood up on my blog. Sharing on how small things made me happy when I was younger. I even hit lizard’s egg with a rock after I saw it moves around, I didn’t know what it was.

You have to cherish the moment you’re doing, either you like it or not. It is for the best, you might not making any favorable memories anymore. Be around with people who loves to be around with you, laughed around with them and make a best memories. You deserves being happy and keeping a memory you won’t ever forget it.

“The older I get, the more I appreciate my childhood. It was paradise” – Greg Mortenson

Better By Times

When you let go, you create space for better things to enter your life. Better things are coming.

Some few things, will get better soon enough. All you have to do is, to wait for it. If you asked, wait for what? The days where everything will be fine and that better feelings. I assumed that all happiness or sadness won’t last longer, well not for the whole years of your life. Nothing stays forever, and forever might be a lie. Nevertheless, don’t give up on hoping. Don’t get the negativity take your pride away, and shut your world to the light. Making you live in the dark side, a side where you wished you never got trapped in it.

Mind will be filled with thoughts, heart will get weaker, eyes will be droopy and your body will get tired. You thought, it’ll be fine and you’re going to be okay living that way. Remember that, it is not healthy at all. The weaker you’ll get, you’re going to act stupid. Few would be stronger, but what if some would try to commit suicide? Taking drugs? It is nothing closer to healthy for being stressed out or in depression. People never know what you’re doing in your room with your weak body. Only god know what you’re doing, and you might be crying up all night— crying quietly, so no one could hear you. Do you think it is fun to cry all night? Perhaps, until your body got dehydrated. No matter how cool you think only because you were used to it, it’s not fun or okay to cry every night. You’re stronger than ever, but you decided to let other people to take care of you thinking that when you cry they will know about it 24/7. They would comfort you until the end of the day, no. We all have seen those people who come and go to us, stay or leave us for someone. No lies, but changing because they found someone new and better than you.

You’re not alone because I am that someone. Someone who cried at night, quietly and I wouldn’t tell anyone that I am crying. I wouldn’t dare myself to make anyone worried about me, sometimes I even feel like I am such a burden to make them feel that way. As I believe that, a pain would make me become someone stronger. Until I knew, the strongest person hides the most tears. If the tears can be kept in a bottle, it would make a water or swimming pool. And yet, the strongest person who hide their own tears away would always smile to public. Never ever showing their weak side outside, but inside it is killing them softly. Trying to be happy is easy, but controlling our tears wouldn’t be easy as being fake. I, a girl who is 17 years old, still wear a mask. A mask that held my sadness back, and shows my happiness out. Flushed cheeks, a forced laugh, a stretch smile, sad eyes but never had the will to cry out loud because people don’t understand how I feel. They will understand me, but never will be in my shoes.

Funny how people want to get better and be happy in life. It’s amazing how people need their own happiness, trying to get better and working their own way to be stronger than they were yesterday. It’s amazing how people decided to move on from their past and becoming a better person by present and future to avoid on making the same mistakes. These people are strong enough, the people who can rely on their own and they can live without those who left them behind. Their chapters were already far ahead those people who walked to another path without tagging their friend and never looked back, they left without a goodbye. No matter at what age you are now, you would feel the same way like everybody else. But never ever think that you are alone, and no one had ever been in your shoes. People used to fit in, but they got the new one. So change for the better.

Dear self, I am stronger than you think you are. The weakness in your thoughts are the power of you becoming stronger. The tiredness of your heart will be the supporter of you changing into someone stronger. The droopy eyes you have will be change to the upturned eyes, or maybe more stronger. Things will change if you make yourself separate from the past that hunts you down as it made you feel worthless. Believe in yourself and love yourself. Make yourself as your first ever priority, don’t lose yourself because of other useless things or for the people who doesn’t mean anything important to you. If you want to stand up by your own, do it. You can stand with your words or legs. They say, you matter. Your voice will always be heard and important. What struggle you the most can be heard by those who would love to help you. Just because you thought everyone left, doesn’t mean the new one would do the same. Some would let you lean on them, and these people are the people who you need to keep for the longest time because you were being appreciated and you should do the same to them. Keep the hatred far away in between friendship or relationship. Don’t get your ego make it more wild and be the reason why people left you alone.

The moment you know you can do it, take the moment and believe that you can do it. Hope that the moment will be the moment where you started to believe that everything hard and impossible will be easy and possible. Cry, but not always. Smile, stick it forever. Laugh, it might be the music to someone’s ear. Lean on if you’re struggling with something. Never push away the people who stay. Remember; you don’t live alone, there are billions of human living under the same sky as you. Breathing different air but still breathing just like you. If the shoes hurts you, change it to the ones that comforts you. Its never too late to change everything. Always remember that everything will be better by times. You just need to wait for it, don’t rush it all. Cheer up, don’t let your crown fall to the ground and make you bow to those who don’t deserves you. You’re the ruler of your own, the owner of your own. Everything about you is always for you.

“Don’t let how you feel make you forget what you deserve” – Kush and Wizdom

“I can’t promise to fix all your problems, but I can promise you won’t have to face them alone” – Anonymous.

“Things will feel so much better soon and you need to trust in that” – Kush and Wizdom

Goodbye

I turn away and close my heart, to the promise of love that is luring. For the past has taught to not be caught, in what is not worth pursuing. To never do the things I’ve done that once had led to my undoing.

Every people have feelings for other. It would either be partners or friends. Some people would have gotten together with their lover, some would break up with each other. Days would never go with how you expected, things will come unexpectedly. Only you would make a choice on; be ready or be in denial. Love doesn’t matter on age or visual, if you love someone, then that’s it. Love doesn’t mean using someone as an opportunity to make you feel less lonely, to show how you can get someone easily or to force yourself move on from your ex. It is to show how you guys are fate to be with each other, becoming each other sources of happiness, putting all trust towards your relationship and believing that they are your true love or maybe your soulmates.

If nothing goes right like how you want it to be, don’t ever think that.. its over. It is not, you have to put efforts in everything. No matter if you do it alone or together, at least you did your job to put everything for it. If to be happy with that person is what you want, then get that person before anyone else could. If you couldn’t, let them be happy with anyone else. They say “if happy is her/him, then I am happy for you” and you just have to hope that everything will be alright in between the couple, and also to yourself. Begging won’t make it, so does forcing it as you are giving someone a hope. False hope.

And I just got my heart stolen by someone, it was thrown away right after. I don’t know if I should cry or just let it be, because I felt numb and for all I know, I feel like dying. I don’t only feel like dying, but I also feel like the world is crushing me down to pieces. A time where I believed that I want to fade away from everyone’s memory, a moment to believe that you are slowly dead to people. As they are happy to see you broken like a glass. Everyone stare at it for so long instead of cleaning it up, just like how cars would drive on road endlessly until they reached their destination, which is their limits. Mostly, everything is killing you softly and quietly.

About time where you actually wanted to be loved and feel the love from someone, but it never happened. They walked away from you without looking back, you’re falling down scrapped your knees and no one even asked you if you’re okay. They walked as if you’re nothing but just a trash that no one would pick it up. For all the moment, I thought everything was real. His love, his happiness with me and his trust to me. Then, I realized, nothing was all about me. From the beginning, until the end.. I was alone while he had somebody else. I should’ve trust people around me, but I was too selfish. Not because I don’t want to believe, but because I love him I didn’t go far away from him. It was always me, who was happy in between us. Nothing about the third person exist, up until today, she walked into our life. Not only that, but they walked leaving me behind. Suddenly, I asked myself few questions.. “Am I worth it? Will waiting be the right decision? Should I.. leave him alone with her?”

Minutes by minutes, I slowly feel like I wanted to cry but nothing came out. I feel like shouting and throwing everything, but then nobody will even care about me. No one will show up asking if I am alright or not. Its only me, myself and I. Luckily, I taught myself to stand by my own. Be strong on my own, believing that nobody will ever stay with you and you can never rely on someone forever. Nothing hurts me more than someone who I love, left me. I never know if it was a one-sided love, love triangle or it was just nothing close to having a relationship at all. All I know is that, it hurts me a lot that it made me feel numb. Crying doesn’t worth it, because he won’t come back. Waiting might take too much time, but I don’t want to leave. Realizing that, I am denying because I am scared of everything. Mostly, losing someone I love.

Listening to a sad song won’t help, chocolate doesn’t. Not even an ice cream helps me feel better. I don’t usually feel this way, but I just got my heart broken for real now. I can’t believe I am pulling the wrong string, with all my heart and because of my own mistake.. I denied everything and got my heart broken into pieces. Will I be able to make it go back to normal? Will there be anyone who is willing to take care of it? Will someone appreciate my heart that had receives wound several times? Will someone even appreciate having me for life and is afraid to lose me?

Oh god, how I hope that being happy will last longer than ever. Can it stay with me longer and forever? Would it let me cry in happiness instead of turning the table to the other way round? Can everything be over by tonight after crying to bed? I am suffocating, I just wish that time will stop as I am appreciating every moment but now its a goodbye.

Nothing is left behind, just a memory that only I cherished but never did by him. We started with a hello, and ended with nothing but silence. I volunteer to walk away, with a goodbye.

“Nothing hurts more than trying so hard to be good enough and being replaced by someone better” – h.n

“I guess goodbyes are the only perfect things left for us” – anonymous.

Happiness

Don’t let anyone ever dull your sparkle. Don’t let stupid things break your happiness. Don’t let negative and toxic people rent space in your head, raise the rent and kick them out.

You know that there would always be the time where you just want to scream out loud to the whole world, and you felt like it would be nice that people can hear you from where you’re standing. Sometimes, it feels like wanting to go on a mountain or even at the beach. Maybe, even singing out loud in you room or toilet would’ve help too. It may or may not feel great, but I wanted to do it, telling the world that how my life is going and how it feels like to be happy. Some other time, some people would go to the gym and workout. I would be that some people. I would just unfold a yoga mat and workout in my room to make myself feel better, ends it with a yoga to calm myself down. But, I quit a long time ago thinking that I am a lazy-ass person who hates being in sore and I eat more. Obviously, eating > workout.

For me, finding myself happy is very hard. Trying to be happy was easy, but going home crying in my room? It feels trashy. You were holding in your tears, you decided to laugh it out loud and pretend that you’re enjoying life. Some would even thought that you’re doing fine and wonder why they’ve never seen you being down. Some would also realized that you’re lying to everyone even yourself. And I, love the people who realized it. They would actually make you feel better, take you out and let you have your time to tell them whats bothering you. They would actually love to see you laugh and smile over being sad and quiet. I appreciate these people who loves to see their friends or whoever being happy rather than bringing them down more and thinking its fun to see them crying. I mean, I’m rude just like that where I laughed at them but I love helping them. OH! And also, people who actually care about other people more than themselves, that’s great. They sacrificed their time to comfort their sad buddy and tried to make that buddy feels better. God, I just love people like that. Any other time, we have this ‘your pain is my happiness’ where friends laughed at you for falling down but they reached out their hands to help you. Man, I just love surrounding myself with people who made me laughed for all day.

Being happy can be found in different kind of ways. It doesn’t matter what kind of happiness it is to you, either you think it is based on you make your highlight pops or you got your new games. Things won’t always be the same for different genders, girls would be happy seeing their make up goes well with their outfit and eyebrows on point or maybe playing with animals made their day. Boys would be happy, well I don’t really know, but they would when they play FIFA game with their buddies and made a goal. Okay, whatever. As I said, you can find happiness in any kind of things you think it would made you happy. Whoever think it is very stupid, they’re jealous to see you happy over a small thing. Happiness would come when you see free food on table after a long day, or when someone get your bath ready for unknown reason. Happiness can also based on how you enjoy your day laughing about your friends choking while talking, or even when you came back from somewhere and straightly go to your bed. Normal, but sometimes seeing a notification from your crush. Yes, it helps to make your day better. Remember that, what makes you happy, don’t let anyone crushed it down. You deserves enjoying it happily without minding about what other people say. They’re bitter for you.

And I am happy over a small thing, like sleeping and reading comic when it is raining outside. Having coffee, staying on bed like dead corpse and listening to music would just made my day even better. I am not really a person who like to move a lot, for Pete’s sake, I would just complain about moving a lot and getting tired. Unless, I feel like moving, I would. To the other side of my bed, yes. Regarding on what made my day, as I am writing this blog with the title Happiness is because my father just made me laughed during our dinner. I have been on a very bad week, like this week just don’t make me feel better. Up until today, I was just stuck in my room after coming home from school and coming out from my room after taking a power nap to receive a question “do you want to eat?” and I said yes as I was nodding. It sucks to be right during your period week, but thanks to my parents, I feel better during our dinner. I just wished that the cramps won’t last longer, but wow, I just had to make myself a hot coconut coffee to make it feel just fine. Right! About this coconut coffee. I have wanting to show it off.

So my older sister just came back from her vacation, she bought saffron tea and coconut coffee for us. I’m the type of person who just love to try out new thing, especially when it comes to food or even a brand new drink, like its better than what not. I prefer having coffee than tea, so I tried out the coconut coffee and it tastes good. The coconut doesn’t really had the strong taste, but it goes well with the coffee. It’s rare to have the fruity coffee flavor here. It just made me feel happy to drink it, but I am young to consume coffee more than 1 per day. Funny thing, I feel sleepy rather than wide awake drinking coffee that even my power nap was for 4 hours, it was good. I have had enough rest and I am willing to sleep again since I just feel like I deserves having my beauty sleep after a month or whatever exam. Guess what!!!

I told you to guess, have I not? Well, I know its too early to be happy but I have 149 days for me to be legal. I just couldn’t wait for it, I mean who wouldn’t be happy to be out from school while others have to wake up early for school and work, yet you can just sleep in. Taking a driving class, and drive around the district. Seriously, I don’t need this driving class or be out from school since I need a vacation. Like for real, I have been wanting to get out and have fun in another country. Eating different kind of food, watching people singing at the street, dancing or you can easily say go to a concert. Wouldn’t that be a great thing? It would be one. Enjoying a day singing with your favorite band, like I can just sing any song by BTS (Beyond The Scene) with them during their concert. ARMY, where y’all at? Plus minus, I just couldn’t wait to celebrate my friend’s birthday in 154 days. I mean, we may not be friend anytime longer, but lets just hope we would and enjoy it for the time being. Phew, I am just nice like that.

Anyhow, if you think that you looked stupid for being happy just even watching the sky. You’re not. It doesn’t really matter about what kind of thing you’re happy about, if you’re happy about it, then that’s it. You don’t have to care about other people, not even your boyfriend/girlfriend can destroy your happiness just by saying something that can bring you down. I mean, if they actually love you, your happiness would make them love you more. Only bitter people would never let you be happy, unless they are above you or unless your happiness are lower than theirs. People need to know that everyone deserves to be happy. Why do we have to destroy someone’s happiness just to see them crying? If I ever did that, I would just feel guilty and I considered myself as an asshole (no matter girl or boy, still I feel like one). Making someone’s happiness go down in drain won’t make you happy. They say, “Don’t ruin other people happiness just because you can’t find your own” and I think it is true. By taking other people happiness and sticking a smile on your face, you’re just the same. Someone who is actually sad and try to be happy and especially someone who lie to not just anybody else but also to yourself. You need to cherish everything to be happy, you need to make yourself happy before making anyone else happy. You need to love yourself before anybody else could. You, yourself is important. Never let anyone say any something rude to you for being happy.

Listening to, “What?! You’re happy because you can see the sky? God, that’s pathetic. I mean I would understand if you’re happy because Halloween is coming” — that is just plain dumb. Being happy to see the sky isn’t pathetic, because not everyone can see it. We need to appreciate with what we have, unlike some other people. They can’t see, blind people would have a hard time. Do you think yourself is cool to say something like that to blind people? If you do then, you’re pathetic and very rude. As I have written on my blog over and over again, you deserves to be happy. Everyone does. Animals can be happy too. Cherish every moment because it might not last longer.

“The key of being happy is knowing you have the power to choose what to accept and what to let go” – Dodinsky.

Happiness is a state of mind, a choice, a way of living; it is not something to be achieved, it is something to be experienced” – Dr. Steve Maraboli