Great things are done by a series of small things brought together — Van Gogh.
Honestly, there are so many things that I feel like I want to talk about. I know that my friends would like to hear me out but I just feel like I am being a burden to them and so I just want to say it out here since it is more easy to me. I know it has almost been just two months of 2018 but I just feel like so many things happened that I can’t help but feel like crying. It wasn’t really a serious matter, I just feel like it is better to let it out on a place where you can actually say about something that is unlimited for you to write down. I don’t do diaries because that thing is not my style. I want to talk about anxiety, education, friendship and being mistreated. Maybe some more.
Warning : I might go off to nowhere so read at your own risk, I have zero controls and I might use vulgar here.
- I started to have my anxiety when I was 12 years old, and started to develop more mental illness when I was 13 years old. Obviously, it was something that is really hard for me to control. By now, it’s 3:37AM and I don’t know what time will this blog be done. However, I stop having my anxiety in this early 2018. I only have trouble with eating and sleeping disorders, as I am currently still wide awake whilst everybody else is sleeping very well. I don’t know where to start about how it actually came back. All I know is that, it made my head throbbing every time I tried to lay or even stand up. My breathing is getting shorter and harder when I talked or shut my mouth, I had to breathe harder than ever. I started to feel like there are people watching around me when there’s no one, I feel like I am paranoid as well. It is crazy at how you don’t really know whats going on but it just happened out of nowhere. Your heart beats faster, you have cold sweats and your mind suddenly black out. You couldn’t even understand a thing, you’re spacing out and that’s for sure, your mood is down to hill. I tried to cry, but I just couldn’t. I am laughing my ass off but it just feels like empty to me. Like, I did not mean anything. I don’t understand and I laughed because everybody else was laughing.
∞ I just don’t know how to handle this anxiety off mine, someone actually send me a link of where I can buy a book that I would write down about my day and someone who sent me a thread about anxiety on Twitter. Then again, I just don’t feel like it’s enough for me to feel like my anxiety is being cured. I don’t know how many people would reach out to me and give me help but as far as I know there are some of my friends who wouldn’t understand and give a damn. It’s okay, since I don’t want to be a burden. They have life and they might also have problems in a day.
» If you could, please help me. I can’t deal with the pain (head throbs, racing heart, difficulties in sleeping and eating, etc). I don’t really need counselor, therapy, pills and other. I just need y’all to say something that helps you and would at least cure mine a little.
- Recently, about 2-3 weeks ago, I actually received my result. It wasn’t really satisfying, I ended up going to the opposite way of my dream. I was going to think that I would at least achieved something better. But, I didn’t. Sure, I laughed with my friends… but behind them, I actually cried. I cried in the dark, some nights alone and never told anyone. I was having a hard time, I just don’t feel like I have the reason to actually be alive anymore. I mean, yes, it’s something that wasn’t really deep but I just feel like what I want went missing in just a few second. It hurts. Knowing that the dream that you have been running for, are not waiting for you. The interest you have in one specific thing, went away because you’ve disappointed yourself. I have no hope to go anywhere, I have no hope on doing a great job in the future. All I could think is about flopping everything. Mostly, it feels like everything is torn apart now. There are nights where I don’t sleep for studying, but why do I feel like what I do is barely enough? The night where I received so much criticism was such a painful night that would always be playing around in my mind every time I think about it. It was bothering me, it made me feel like dying, it made me feel like I seriously want to give up with life. To some people, I am being ridiculous. For real, I rather be studying than working. I feel like studying is what would bring you to somewhere much better, something that made you feel like you’re actually on the road of being successful. It’s like something that would make everyone around you look up to you and are proud with what you are doing right now. Then… we are not all the same. The level of intelligence for you and I, wouldn’t be on the same level. I could be on level 2 and you’re level 5.
∞ But actually, I didn’t give up. I have taken another examination under Cambridge, I applied for college with different courses; even though I didn’t reach out for designing. I actually started to work and make money, I am slowly getting back on my feet. I am slowly trying to change the style of studying. I am bringing the positivity back. Because man, I was proud enough that Ms. Lee said; “I actually expected you to get 80% for Math and you actually pass. I am so proud of you” and I couldn’t help it but hide my watery eyes when she said that. Like yo, it’s your girl who received 16% during her examination and barely reaching to 35% for class test. Guess who got a pass for her Math during the big exam? Me. Though… I had to take it once again, I have to and it’s a must to me to challenge myself once again.
» I have nothing much to ask from you guys but it is okay to fail. It is okay to cry. It is okay to take another examination. BUT! It is not okay to give up. Once you gave up, nothing will be easy in your life. Sure you’d get a job, but are you satisfied with how you’re living? I doubt it, but if it is what makes you happy… Be grateful, always.
- Do you what’s exciting about having friends? You can share your stories to them, you can have any gossips with them, you can vent out your feelings and all of that stuff. But do you know what could go wrong? When someone hurts your feeling, never admit it and keep on hurting you. Who are they ruining? My image, my feelings and creating more insecurities in me. It is more sad that, when they actually don’t really care about you because they have so many friends, they have their own partner in life, they just don’t like you but used you. It doesn’t matter if you have been friends since kids, teenagers or they are new. Not everything that is old, gold. No. People change, people distrust, people leave. What’s the point of asking? When they won’t tell you the truth. What’s the point of explaining? When you know they won’t believe it. Yet, what’s the point of you staying? When you know you’ll end up getting hurt. It’s unfair, because they hurt you and you don’t know what you did wrong. It hurts, because they have the heart to hurt you and pretending that they didn’t mean it. It hurts, because even when you laughed it out… they still hurt you. They know that you know, but they just carry on with it. It’s not like it was just a friend that I knew since we were a kid, but there’s more. There’s some who actually go to you, when they feel like it. Go to you, because they have been hurt. Go to you, because you’re easy.
∞ However, even when one went missing. At least I know, there are one that secretly cares about me. Even when one left, there’s one that come and picked me up. Like I said, not every old is gold and not every new is fresh. People come, hurt, laugh and leave. What you gotta do? You don’t just sit down and let them treat you like that. Beat them off, I don’t mean physically, but verbally. Don’t go and fall into their shitty trap, “Face me, that is better” when all they do would always lie and say “Why are you always butt-hurt over a thing that is not about you? Grow up”
Here’s why, the next time you are trying to lie. Make sure you have receipts on what’s right and what’s not. Next time going on social network, dissing people, make sure you don’t make it FOR EVERYONE TO FEEL LIKE IT IS FOR THEM. Make sure that the next time you feel like not in the mood and drop the shit off, DON’T MAKE OTHER FEELS LIKE IT IS BECAUSE OF THEM YOU’RE THAT WAY. Next time, you want to be sad. You can just text other people if you feel like I am just a bother to you. If you hate me, why did you even comeback to text me and play all nice? I am sorry, but I actually had enough. Do you know what have I gone through? Yeah right, you don’t, SO DO I when it comes to you. Hurting other people intentionally or unintentionally, and knowing how much sad or hurt they are, all you can do is say sorry instead of making them feel like it is their fault. Don’t lay on your bed, and add more fuel to their fresh wounds. Are you really that low?
» There, the honestly-talk. No, I didn’t make it to someone. I made it generally because there are some people who know how to treat me wrong and put me into the place where I feel like I am their prey. Excuse me, but if you can’t show it to me directly, that’ll go the same with me. If you hate dealing with me, tell me. If I am annoying, don’t act like you’re not. Another excuse me, please do not harm other people when you’re not in a good mood. Please do not cross the line that you’ve drawn. Please do not go off limits to someone. Because, you don’t know how much painful it would be since you’re doing something when you’re in or out of your mind. Please, don’t feed your ego too much that you are hurting other people’s feeling then the next thing you’d blame them for being too much. If your friends are still there for you, please do appreciate them. Nothing last forever, in one day where you don’t know when, where it is a day you laugh because you enjoyed, it might also be the day where you cry because someone who used to care about you is officially gone.
- I would go off with telling you guys that I am officially 18. I am not tall, small but fun-sized. I may not look like I am around my age and above, I may look like someone who’s 13 years old. Sure that, I love to joke around, I’m like free-spirit and open minded. However, being disrespect by someone younger is just a mess. I don’t care if you’re taller, you have many friends, you are not from our district/country; but disrespecting people is not cool. I don’t give a damn about how the people in your place was, because I know that your parents and teachers would teach you manners. I don’t mind when people go off with, “You are so pathetic” or “Okay, you’re not pretty and fun” but like being cussed for saying out the truth. Are you okay with that? No shades, this guy he goes off, too much. He was asking me out for a hangout and I clearly said “No, I hurt my legs” besides that, it was 9:45PM. Remarks, I clearly reject and tell him the reason, however he said “Liar” “Mother’s cunt” “Stupid dumbass” “Bitch” — Then the funny thing is that, I said “I’m sorry” and he goes off again with “So rude” which I clearly have no idea why was I being called rude. He made a comeback when I didn’t reply but I was online and I didn’t read his message, he said “You don’t have to reply my message HAHAHA, mother’s cunt” and so I said “Yeah okay” thinking that I’d get an apology but he replied, “Bitch shut up” and I go “OK” whereas he replied with a ‘K’. With that, I left him on read because I can’t deal with that kind of guy.
∞ I have never been treated like that by a guy before. That was like my first time being called out differently yet rude. I was being honest, just to get all kind of stupid remarks instead of just an “Okay, maybe next time” — I just knew how abusive he could be with his own words EVEN if to him that it is just a joke, but saying that to a girl who is older and your own senior? Are you that low? I mean I could go and snap but it’s useless to fight with kid. I don’t know how do they even learn such kind of words.
» Always watch out your actions and be careful with your words. You are hurting someone’s feelings, you don’t know it but you are actually abusing someone with your stupidity. It doesn’t matter if you’re a girl or a guy, but hurting someone was never cool and it was the opinion that only you think it would be funny instead of ‘hurtful’ — Respect other people’s opinion, you don’t actually feed them food to grow, you don’t actually give them shelter to live under, you don’t actually make money for them… So why are you the one who controls their life? Do they have no life? And importantly, don’t treat people rudely that it would make them obey you. They are humans, not your dogs that you’re training. What you give, is what you get.
And so, that is my some kind of rants. It might be offensive but I am sorry if I have ever make you feel totally off. I am here to clearly say that I have been here before and currently. If you can’t deal, leave. I have had enough with people who come off rudely. It is like you are bullying someone without you knowing it. You are hurting someone, and you don’t know what they might do to you, people around you or to themselves.
With that, the words; respect me and I will respect you exist for reason. You just had to know your limit and the other’s limit. Be there for someone who needs help, just like how they would always be there for you. One day, they’ll be gone and not everyone is going to deal with you for so long like how that someone would.
If you’re dealing with crazy bullshit, ask for some advice. There are some people who is willing to listen and help. Don’t go with just “Bitch, I am depressed/stressed/sad” to someone, ask them questions “Yo man, I don’t feel okay. Do you mind if I let it out to you? Are you free for some talking time?” — The reason is that, I have been realizing that some people I have talked to, would have a bad day or crying. So, it taught me AND they actually might be busy but trying to hear you out and help… so, appreciate them for sacrificing.
Judge nothing, you will be happy.
Forgive everything, you will be happier.
Love everything, you will be happiest.
— Sri Chinmoy