Relationship; Maybe it won’t work out. But maybe seeing if it does will be the best adventure.

I started to have a relationship when I was 12 years old, well it wasn’t due to the fact that I love him because I don’t. I date him because I just couldn’t say no when I was younger. After a 5 hours of dating him, I broke up because he wasn’t my type and I wasn’t ready. Like man, I was an idiot.

First was that, then, I happened to fall in love with a guy back in 3 or 5 years ago. We weren’t really a thing, but flings. I was fine keeping up with him, I did ignore almost every boys only to focus on one guy but it didn’t turns out how I expect it would. I mean it was my first time trying to learn what love is as a kid, like I was born in 2000 so you know how young that was. I was badly hurt, he left me with wounds and it took me about 4 months to heal my own heart.

About 2 or 4 years ago, I opened up to other guy. Things didn’t go very well as I was betrayed by him. At least, that’s what I thought since I heard it from his friend. We were in love with each other, but I think he fell out love that he date with someone who I envied her a lot. I didn’t put much negativity to him, I feel like I was being used. I tried to be positive but the more I try to ignore my lingering feelings, the more hurt I was. I didn’t really know he was dating, but while I was revising with my friends. His friend opened up a story that he was dating with someone, they have so many things in common and I guess they were happy. I decided not to bother him anymore longer since it was useless to fight for it.

But, recently we tried to make up with each other. We had done opening up to social media where he was replying to my tweets or tagging me on his tweets. He uploaded our picture when we were out to eat, he used our picture as his icon. It was nice and all sweet, but I just couldn’t stand how careful he was. I admit that I missed the old him where we would argue and joke around as if we’re close enough, playing water balloons fight with our friends. He was the only one that I made a lot of memories when it comes to boys. Through days of talking, I decided to stop because I realised that giving him a second chance could be a mistake if both of us aren’t ready to level up our relationship. So I didn’t really want to hurt him, I left.. just like how he did to me 3 years ago? Man, I don’t know.

Recalling through around a year or two years ago, it was the same. Well, I mean it was my fault. We do love each other, he was the first guy that I used to say “I love you” or “I love you too” but we weren’t really a thing. We’re flings, that’s what I thought of. Then, because of how bad my result was, I thought it was the best for us to stop. So I did, we decided to separate our own way. He’s a nice guy, there’s nothing to bad mouth about him.

Throughout 2016, I.. don’t have anyone. I mean for real, there’s like no boys that I am texting with. Flinging with or even date. 2016 was literally the best year where I have nobody to worry about, to be sad about or even to hurt them. Besides having no boys, I ignored the boys who sent me direct messages through Twitter or Instagram.

Then things starts to annoy me in 2017. I caught someone who I like since he was cute, tall and all that. I don’t know how but we started to text with each other around March or other month. We stopped and text once again around June or July, it was really great. I mean he treats me both like a lady and as a friend, we weren’t really talk sweetly or act as if we like each other. We fought almost everyday because he was annoying, well mostly both of us don’t really looked like we’re new friends. It was fun how he complains on the fact he got scammed by someone, how he was sulking and both of us curse each other. After weeks of texting, he had a girlfriend and we decided to stop texting as it is to keep both reputation safe. I was totally heartbroken by that time, I’ve become less active on Instagram where I have made an account to spam pictures. By that time, I was totally sad yet stress since that was nearer to exam month. So I didn’t really chat with anyone that much after what has happened. I guess he noticed, he actually sent me a text asking “What’s up? Why are you sad? Do you want to share?” and I slightly lie to him because I don’t want to ruin our friendship and his relationship with his girl. Overall, he is a nice guy despite the fact that he is a year younger than me. There’s nothing actually made me feel like he ruined me.

Basically, in my past, all the boys were nice to me except for one guy. There are more, but I decided to made few as the main highlight since I developed my feelings for them. As days goes by, there are like some few guys hit me up on Instagram but I don’t really feel like having a new texting partner, fling stuff or being in a relationship. Truthfully, I closed my heart to everyone after being sad because of the guy in 2017. I wanted to try and fall in love with other guy, but my heart couldn’t accept them. I really hope that I can give other people chance to win my heart after what happened but it doesn’t work anymore. Since then, I realised that I am forcing myself to open up while I am not ready to fall in love and I am not ready to date anyone.

Safe to say, I am scared of being in the same situation as I have been trying to welcome new people but I couldn’t trust them. I don’t have the thoughts of wanting to hurt my own heart when it is still trying to heal from every wounds that has stayed for days, weeks, months or even years. I have no heart to make other guy happy because I wasn’t happy myself. I need to pick myself up first, love myself as much as I could, appreciate what flaws that I have or I don’t have. I know that we aren’t supposed to push other people who cares away, but I couldn’t help it to hurt them more since its for the best.

As a lady who wasn’t well-experienced in being a relationship, or easy to say haven’t date anyone since she was born up to now, I think I had enough. Though I haven’t been in a serious relationship, I know everything through how I was being treated back then. I can easily know if I am going to be in a healthy relationship or toxic ones, I understand how painful breakups are, I know how shitty it feels like to be cheated. I may sound like I have date anyone but no, due to all that has happened to me, I made it as a thing that I should take in my life as something that I should know how it feels like or something new that I should learn. I know how stupid it may seems like, but my tired heart had enough for now.

I told my friends that it would be nice to go out with my boyfriend and friends during my birthday, but then again, I am too young to worry about ‘still single while other teenage has their partner’ and I am too busy to worry about myself. As I used to say, the time I have been using in my day is the time that could either heal me or the otherwise. I know how selfish I am for not giving any chance to other boys, but it for my own good for now since I am not fully-healed. Dealing with new people might just cause more wounds and I don’t want that. I am a grown up lady, I should learn on how to rely on myself rather than having other people to take care of me. It is useless to love if you’re not ready, you’ll cause toxic relationship because all you need is a partner because you’re lonely.

I do hope that one day, there will be a man that teaches me how to love. Tell me my flaws, appreciate me through days and nights, knows how to give time, have future plans, a man who would always hate to see me down or hurt during my periods. A man who I can call my mood-maker or my happy pill. I know how it’s something cringe-y but I just need a man that I can call him “My Man” because I am proud of him. I do need a man that I can have my hopes and supports on.

Indeed, I’ll stop my blog here since I don’t feel good. I don’t have any ideas for the title so I just did that as the title. Sounds cliche though. But remember, love when you’re ready not when you’re lonely. Love you! BYEEEEEE