You and I

I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.

Trust. Respect. Effort. Honesty. Self-Love. Communication. Connection

Is it wrong for me to be happy even if it’s only for a day? Is it wrong for me to enjoy a day laughing forgetting how it feels like to be sad? Does it make you happy to see me cry all night? Does it make you feel better to see me frowning forgetting how to smile? Was I the one who make things wrong since the very first start? Were you the only one who can do anything you want and I am the one who only listens to you? Am I the only one who is happy for our relationship? Are you tired of me? I hope it wasn’t a mistake to love you.

I only want to be happy. It doesn’t matter how long it’ll last, but I wanted to feel happy like how I used to. Back then I was happy alone, but now, I wanted to feel happy with you. If my happiness make you unhappy, don’t you feel guilty making my day worst? Have you ever realized that it was only you who made me this way, and no one else? Do you think the moment I am laughing, is the moment where I am actually happy? Have the thought of fake happy ever cross your mind? If only you can hear my heart crying, you would feel sorry and begged for forgiveness. You wouldn’t scold me over a small thing, you wouldn’t dare to see me cry again. Don’t you ever want to see me smiling with the purest one and never applying the fake one? Does it hurt you so much to see me smiling? Don’t you ever feel sad to see me crying all night, the next day smiling and the night crying. Repeating the same thing, with or without telling you? I hope everything would be obvious so I wouldn’t be treated like it again and again. I never asked for too much from you, but a happiness with you forever. A good memories with you more than the bad ones. A moment to see you smiling because of me.

Do I need to ask for a permission from you to do something or wear something? Do I need to ask you if I can laugh and wear a smile? Do I need to ask you if I can cry? If I need to, would you still care and asked me questions. Pampering me with loving words, comforting me even when you couldn’t do it, trying to make me feel better. Have you ever feel like a bad person for making me feel this way? Sometimes, I wonder. Do I need to be happy only with you or can I be happy with my friends too? Or, should I not be happy all the time I am around with you? Would my sadness be your happiness?

I have a hope in me. A hope where I am not the only who still put effort in our relationship. Effort on how to make our relationship strong, to make us happy, to make you feel better, to make you stay with me. A hope where you wouldn’t get tired of me as yours truly love. A hope that you’re hoping the same. As I realized, it feels lonely since I am the only one who put efforts in our relationship. It was always me, and never you. Then, a moment where I complained, you acted like you’re innocent and aren’t the cause of a problem. In your view, it was always me. The one who supposed to be blamed would always be me not you. I’m always wrong, and you’re always right. Can you respect me once? Respect on how I did a better job putting the efforts unlike how you did. Respect on how strong I am to even stay with you. Respect me because I never gave up on you, on us. Not even when I am tired. Give me some credits wouldn’t be a problem, right? Respect me that I am doing fine even after how many scolds I’ve received from you.

Oh, do you even trust me? Sometimes I think a lot about it. How you accused me of talking with other guy, how you need pictures as evidence, how you got jealous of seeing me with my guy-friend even when you’re supposed to know that you’re the only man I see in my eyes. Trust me wouldn’t be a hard thing right? You’re the one who wants me to become your girl, I accept you because I love you. Can’t you do the same thing? Accepting me with trust and love. Honestly, no matter how tired I am. I am afraid of letting you go, not when it’s not the time where I am ready to let you go because my heart still wants you and I still love you. You never know how much happy I am since day one until now. You never know how much I wanted to tell the world on how I love you.

I am tired of our toxic relationship. A relationship where people thought we’re happy but only the two of us know how toxic it is. Or maybe, I am the only one who know that I am in the toxic relationship. Can’t we changed it to the healthy one? I don’t want to picture us badly. You told me you’re going to change and become good, but why does it seems like you’re not doing the right thing? Were you out of your mind when you promised me? Or, the promised you made were only a word to make me stay longer? To be honest, if you hate me that much. Break up with me. If you can’t take care of me like how I do to you. Leave me. If you feel like another girl is better than me, tell me. Do you asked me out as your girl, because you feel lonely? Was your ex-girlfriend better than me? Do you still love her? If I asked you these questions, would it make you feel happy? No, and does it hit you that the questions I asked includes how I don’t trust you and how I wanted to know if you’ll tell me the truth or not. Would you hate the questions I asked, because same. I hate how you clearly doubt me every single day.

For better times, I wanted to have a healthy relationship. I want to be happy, I want to laugh with my friends. I don’t care on how it made my surrounding brighter than before. I miss laughing with no pain hiding inside of my heart, laughing until my stomach and cheeks hurt, laughing until I coughed. I miss the times where I’m happy with or without a lover. Slowly, I am getting tired of being under control. Tired of being someone that I have/need to be not becoming myself and making myself enjoy the time being. I am a human too, I cry when I am hurting or sad. I laugh when I am happy. I might fell sick out of nowhere, I might sprained my ankle anytime. I have feelings, moods, mind and heart. If you can’t take care of it, why are you even here complaining how hard I am? Why do you even complain on how much of a burden I am as your girlfriend? Do you need my permission to attack me? Oh honey, don’t lie saying you can’t live without me. I’ve seen you breathing fine alone. Don’t lie saying “It’s always you who will be right, I am always the one to blame” when you should know that you’re the reason and the cause. Never anyone else, but you.

If you want me to be happy, make me happy without complaining. If you want me to stay, make me stay without trying to make me feel shitty. Appreciate me as your girl, I would do it hundred times better for you. Just so you know, no matter how much pain I’ve gone through with/because of, you. I still stay and say “I love you” because it is true.

“I don’t need a perfect life. I just want to be happy, surrounded by good people who love me for who I am”

“Don’t try to change me, accept me for who I am. You can either love me or hate me, but I can only be me”

“I’d rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not” – Kurt Cobain.

Improving and Inspiration!

The road to success comes through hard work, determination and sacrifice. Success is not built on success. It’s built on failure. It’s built on frustration. Sometimes its built on catastrophe.

Before I start off my things related to the title. I would loved to tell you that I am not a person who loves to study, not even close to become someone who actually like to go to school. I mean, I do, but I hate waking up early. Overall, I am the type of person who would study last minute. Like, a day or two before exam starts, I worked my ass off to study until late night. There would be a 50-50 chances of passing or failing and I did both at once. Nothing to be proud of! But, that’s who I am.

I used to study during the exam day, like if today’s my exam and that’s the day where I’ll study. Guess what? I have failed one subject and pass the others. Might say, a legend but no. That was like, in 2014, so yeah. Deserves an award for studying during the day and passing almost all of the subjects yet graduating with ‘Rank 1, Aggregate 21’. Don’t doubt a lazy-looking person, like me. Hey, I exposed my result. Moving on! We had our first exam during April 2017, I guess, I couldn’t remember the month but it sucks. I failed 6 subjects and credit 2 subjects. Which happens to be English and Commerce, I’m taking the papers as a joke. So what happened was, I’m not ready and I didn’t study because I was seriously not in my mind back then. We got our results and rankings, I was ranked in the last place. No jokes, I’m for real. I felt like I was such a disgrace and I thought negatively of myself. I couldn’t even pretend to be sad about it, plus I was out of the country back then, so I was mentally prepared for all scolds and such others. I have no one to blame on, it was entirely my fault. However, learn your own mistakes, without relying on other people.

Improvements! Recently, my class received our qualification exam papers. We have 8 subjects in total, and I won’t talk about my classmates.. just me. As I mentioned, I failed 6 subjects for our first exam and pass only 2 subjects. The qualifying exam was based on more likely to a payments exam, if you failed a subject, you have to pay for it. I am not sure how the system works but we have to pay. Again, I didn’t study. I did! But not as much as I would, I studied a little for an hour during nighttime. Not to forget, I attended goal-programmed (an extra class for the chosen students of how we can improved our studies, if I am not mistaken) and recently, I was chosen for the peer-coaching programmed (a Friday class for the chosen students where teachers have trust of us having 5 credits and above in O Level) — Not saying the others couldn’t, it is a way of how they want us to study and got credit/pass in the subject we are weak in, I assumed. I used to attend tuition but I quit. Reason was, I have packed schedules and I know that the more we study the more improvements we get. I couldn’t take it, so I think highly of the two programs that I have. Goal and Peer. I make the two programs as the path of helping me to improve my studies and result.

And so, with the classes I have attended. I never felt like, it was demotivating at all. Instead, I took it as a moment of where I would be grateful that I am chosen as one of the students where they believed that I can improved and achieved a better result. Back to the moment of where I said, I didn’t study. I seriously, didn’t study. We had school holidays, then two weeks or three, we have our examination and I wasn’t ready. I was still in my holiday moment. By saying I improved a lot, yes I did. No lies, I may have zero evidence but hey, my juniors or schoolmates are reading my blogs quietly as I am publishing it on public. As a senior, I wouldn’t dare to say something that seems pathetic by reality and on social media. Yet, as a senior, keeping up the good image to your juniors is a must. I wouldn’t know who and when they are reading this, but I would only say thank you for reading. Again, I improved in few subjects. Math, Geography, English and Malay. As for the others, I would almost get a pass. I have like 5 marks or more to get a pass or even better, credit. For someone who didn’t love Math, she made it. I made it. If I’m not mistaken, my overall during the first exam wasn’t even close to 20% which is a total failure. Now, I have 49% for both papers, again.. If I am not mistaken. As for Geography, my eyes shed tears in silence. I went seriously from a low marks up to the highest than before. A short story, I was in 11th place, but since I corrected the calculations of my papers for Geography, I had moved up to 9th out of 23 students. I am satisfied.

So basically, that is the part of my improvements. Then, I would sincerely say that I may not be the best senior, but I did my best to show you my best side. I may also not be the senior that you are looking up to, but I am the senior who is wishing for the best of you in everything.

Inspiration! There are no specific reason on why I started writing blogs, I just feel like sharing something. I am not the kind of person who can say something out loud, I found it really hard to do so. I also quit writing fiction stories, because it wasn’t my type to write something up on my imaginations. Especially, when my brain won’t make any good ideas of better story-line. Writing blogs, I actually wrote it based on my mood, feelings and what I wanted to say. New Chapter, was based on how I learned to accept things and telling the public how I am changing myself into someone better than before. Happiness, was based on how I finally started to feel happy like a little kid who have received a chocolate for being good and how I wanted to tell people that there’s nothing wrong on being happy over a small thing. Goodbye, it was actually dedicated to someone who I used to love.. currently I still am loving him but I am starting to walk away because it is for the better and how I couldn’t help but keeping the memories of us as everything started to fade. Better By Times, it is about how I am getting better by days. Believing myself that I am stronger and I can do it. It is related to Goodbye. Childhood, was a random blog that I came up with, because last night I was reminiscing about it and the thoughts of being a kid once again just made me feel like writing it.

This is another random blog that appeared out of nowhere, and yet published to public because I am in the mood of writing a new blog, perhaps blogs. I may not be the best author of making blogs, but as I have told you, I am writing based on the moment I am in or feels. A little update: I am slowly recovering from my heartbreak and finally started to feel better by my own. I am breathing the good air without someone. Last but not least, I would loved to thank those who read my blogs silently. You may or may not support me, but I really do hope that everything you have or achieving right now will be the better ones. Do have a very great day!

 

“The master has failed more times than the beginner has even tried” – Anonymous.

“Don’t worry about failures, worry about the chances you miss when you don’t even try” – Jack Canfield.

Better By Times

When you let go, you create space for better things to enter your life. Better things are coming.

Some few things, will get better soon enough. All you have to do is, to wait for it. If you asked, wait for what? The days where everything will be fine and that better feelings. I assumed that all happiness or sadness won’t last longer, well not for the whole years of your life. Nothing stays forever, and forever might be a lie. Nevertheless, don’t give up on hoping. Don’t get the negativity take your pride away, and shut your world to the light. Making you live in the dark side, a side where you wished you never got trapped in it.

Mind will be filled with thoughts, heart will get weaker, eyes will be droopy and your body will get tired. You thought, it’ll be fine and you’re going to be okay living that way. Remember that, it is not healthy at all. The weaker you’ll get, you’re going to act stupid. Few would be stronger, but what if some would try to commit suicide? Taking drugs? It is nothing closer to healthy for being stressed out or in depression. People never know what you’re doing in your room with your weak body. Only god know what you’re doing, and you might be crying up all night— crying quietly, so no one could hear you. Do you think it is fun to cry all night? Perhaps, until your body got dehydrated. No matter how cool you think only because you were used to it, it’s not fun or okay to cry every night. You’re stronger than ever, but you decided to let other people to take care of you thinking that when you cry they will know about it 24/7. They would comfort you until the end of the day, no. We all have seen those people who come and go to us, stay or leave us for someone. No lies, but changing because they found someone new and better than you.

You’re not alone because I am that someone. Someone who cried at night, quietly and I wouldn’t tell anyone that I am crying. I wouldn’t dare myself to make anyone worried about me, sometimes I even feel like I am such a burden to make them feel that way. As I believe that, a pain would make me become someone stronger. Until I knew, the strongest person hides the most tears. If the tears can be kept in a bottle, it would make a water or swimming pool. And yet, the strongest person who hide their own tears away would always smile to public. Never ever showing their weak side outside, but inside it is killing them softly. Trying to be happy is easy, but controlling our tears wouldn’t be easy as being fake. I, a girl who is 17 years old, still wear a mask. A mask that held my sadness back, and shows my happiness out. Flushed cheeks, a forced laugh, a stretch smile, sad eyes but never had the will to cry out loud because people don’t understand how I feel. They will understand me, but never will be in my shoes.

Funny how people want to get better and be happy in life. It’s amazing how people need their own happiness, trying to get better and working their own way to be stronger than they were yesterday. It’s amazing how people decided to move on from their past and becoming a better person by present and future to avoid on making the same mistakes. These people are strong enough, the people who can rely on their own and they can live without those who left them behind. Their chapters were already far ahead those people who walked to another path without tagging their friend and never looked back, they left without a goodbye. No matter at what age you are now, you would feel the same way like everybody else. But never ever think that you are alone, and no one had ever been in your shoes. People used to fit in, but they got the new one. So change for the better.

Dear self, I am stronger than you think you are. The weakness in your thoughts are the power of you becoming stronger. The tiredness of your heart will be the supporter of you changing into someone stronger. The droopy eyes you have will be change to the upturned eyes, or maybe more stronger. Things will change if you make yourself separate from the past that hunts you down as it made you feel worthless. Believe in yourself and love yourself. Make yourself as your first ever priority, don’t lose yourself because of other useless things or for the people who doesn’t mean anything important to you. If you want to stand up by your own, do it. You can stand with your words or legs. They say, you matter. Your voice will always be heard and important. What struggle you the most can be heard by those who would love to help you. Just because you thought everyone left, doesn’t mean the new one would do the same. Some would let you lean on them, and these people are the people who you need to keep for the longest time because you were being appreciated and you should do the same to them. Keep the hatred far away in between friendship or relationship. Don’t get your ego make it more wild and be the reason why people left you alone.

The moment you know you can do it, take the moment and believe that you can do it. Hope that the moment will be the moment where you started to believe that everything hard and impossible will be easy and possible. Cry, but not always. Smile, stick it forever. Laugh, it might be the music to someone’s ear. Lean on if you’re struggling with something. Never push away the people who stay. Remember; you don’t live alone, there are billions of human living under the same sky as you. Breathing different air but still breathing just like you. If the shoes hurts you, change it to the ones that comforts you. Its never too late to change everything. Always remember that everything will be better by times. You just need to wait for it, don’t rush it all. Cheer up, don’t let your crown fall to the ground and make you bow to those who don’t deserves you. You’re the ruler of your own, the owner of your own. Everything about you is always for you.

“Don’t let how you feel make you forget what you deserve” – Kush and Wizdom

“I can’t promise to fix all your problems, but I can promise you won’t have to face them alone” – Anonymous.

“Things will feel so much better soon and you need to trust in that” – Kush and Wizdom