Something About Me and Loving Yourself

Study me as much as you like, you will not know me. For I differ in a hundred ways from what you see me to be. Put yourself behind my eyes and see me as I see myself, for I have chosen to dwell in a place you cannot see.

As I know that this was supposed to be for the first blog, but let me live doing it as my seventh blog. I wouldn’t be revealing too much about me, I mean lets just be a little low profile. You probably just know that I am a girl who is currently 17 years old, and a student. I opened up a new chapter on August 8 and it went pretty well.. I guess. Just guessing okay?

Anyways, I am a girl who think a lot and someone who wants more than just a thing. As an example, I wouldn’t had enough with only two chocolates, give me more until it’s finished. But, regarding people giving me food, I don’t usually do the same. I prefer having it all to me, that’s just how greedy I am. Unless, you asked permission to have it then it’s all good. I am student, and English is not my first language. So, sometimes I have a hard time trying to explain things. No lies, but I actually talked too much in English rather than mother language. It’s very complicated though, like I am just that dumb. Mostly, I mixed my languages while I am talking. People have to deal with it, and they had to act like they understand me. Nice shot. Other than that, I also have many kind of things that I like to do. A difference with love, what? I don’t know. Things that I like to do is, taking random pictures. Yeah, well my highlights would be the sky, my family, friends or outfits. Best shot would always be my outfit, okay that self-appreciation. Besides taking picture, I do workout during my free time. Not really, it depends on how boring my day could be. I mean it’s not a daily routine, I’d workout once a week or even once a month or so other months. I am just cool like that, no offense. By the time, I finished doing my workout. I would eat a piece of cake, I don’t care anymore. Since, we have cakes at home so why not? They are meant to be eaten not to be kept, duh. I am the type of person that would easily be motivated, but also fast at being demotivated. As I said, I am complicated. I have attended 6 schools before, transferring here and there like a ping pong ball. But never was smart like Einstein after attending 6 schools. The current one is the sixth one, imagine graduating and going to another school. Mom, be proud of me, I made it!

Moving on, I am highly introvert but I am also an extrovert. How the hell did I happened to be that complicated? Okay, other than being both -vert. I love trying out new things, I love the thoughts of me being someone independent soon, the thoughts of me graduating and traveling. Wow. I love having money in my wallet, I don’t know, even two dollar make me feel happy. Hey, I worked my best to get allowance. I have many fears, not that I am traumatic or what. It’s just a fear that made me want to get over with, I don’t know if you call it phobia or what. I have fear of heights, but I actually don’t mind being in flight.. On air. It is not that, I am very scared of it. Um, whatever. Lets not get into the complicated side of me. Trust me, I have never tried playing roller coaster, bungee jumping, viking. Bro, I have ever been to the amusement park. I never ride the rides there, sucks to be me, I know right. Not even merry-go-around, not even the freaking Ferris Wheel or even the normal swings. So yeah, I wasted money breathing the air of amusement park without riding any. Plus, the rides used to be boring. Nothing much like the Disneyland. Up until last year, I guess, they renovate the place. It was totally awesome now, what I mean by awesome is that, the placed becomes more packed now and people started to complain about the price. Kendrick Lamar said, “Sit down, be humble”

Despite that, I have asked my friends on how do they think of me during our first meeting. We’ve known in Facebook, but I was being unappreciated back then, a friend of mine tried not to be my friend. Boom! Look what happened, we’ve become friends. Though, we changed our class and become more distant with each other. I’ve become closer to few of my classmates. I wasn’t the most favorite classmate ever, but never was the most hated. I guess. I mean, I don’t mingle in everywhere randomly. We have been together for almost three years, and we started to become closer by the end of 2016. Mostly of us though, I haven’t expand my circle since I was young. I would either have two to three friends. Sometimes, I tried to be comfortable with the others. Most of the time, I found myself comfortable being alone. But since it’s my final year in school, so I decided to mingle in everywhere with my classmates. My classmates are extras, sometimes I don’t even know how normal they used to be. Back to it, I have apply on my resting-bitch face and some would say I look very intimidating. I have different kind of personalities, attitudes, faces and sometimes I can never accept you in my friend-list. Some would say I am a rude person, cold and someone who is judgemental. I wouldn’t deny that, but some would say I am outgoing, funny and a meme. I won’t deny that, I mean I am just that type of person only to certain people. If I treated you nicely, you should be lucky. Because I don’t accept people easily and be nice to them 24/7. My friends? They should feel appreciated though. Except for someone, I was being called with a rude word for breathing and I wouldn’t easily be nice to her or even acted like a lovely friend. Duh. I wouldn’t be appreciating someone who call me names differently and hate me for being nice.

Other than that, I am also someone who is pretty short. I sleep late, so you know, I have dark circles and eye bags. They are cheap Gucci, only cheap for me since I created it. I also have acne, scars and double chin. I used to be chubby since 2008 if I am not mistaken, then I started to lose weight around 2010 or 2012. I don’t know what made me lose it, but for all I remember, I joined basketball club. Then, I quit to join the cooking club. Legend of putting food as her priority. I mean, you can eat without paying since you’re cooking. Besides that, I wanted to be a fashion designer but nah. Some parts of me, wants to travel around the world after my school ends. But depends on the money I have though. Luck never stays loyal with me.

I know that this blog is getting random as I am that kind of person. I am either weird or random, nothing close to normal but always a lame person. Boring? Yeah, that’s me. Anyways, whoever you are. You have to appreciate yourself. If you wanna get surgery, do so. If you wanna try out new things, do so. If you wanna go out to the gym, do so. Enjoy living with food and do not like working out, do so. You do you, you own yourself, why do other people have to point out things and make you feel insecure? If it makes you happy, then that’s it right? You have your rights to be happy with your looks, body and any other things. Like me, I love myself too much that I took over 50 pictures of me. I appreciate myself nowadays. My only insecurity is my dark circle, it’s the highlight on my face. I mean I am ugly, but the dark circle made me look ten times uglier than normal. I even laughed when my teacher said I am getting fatter. I love me. That’s how I appreciate myself, its normal. Anyways, no matter how other people think of you and say about you, and tell you that you’re ugly. No, you’re not. I believe that you’re good-looking. It doesn’t matter how you changed your looks, go out with make-up on, or try your best to be better for someone. You still are good-looking and worth everything. Don’t make them feel sorry for you to have different looks, feel sorry for them that they are jealous and minding you more than themselves. Beyond The Scene said, Love Yourself.

“Fall in love with taking care of yourself. Mind. Body. Spirit”

“Worry about loving yourself, instead of loving the idea of other people loving you” – Kush and Wizdom

“Nobody can make you happy until you’re happy with yourself first”

New Chapter

Don’t be afraid to start over, it’s a brand new opportunity to rebuild what you truly want.

I have deleted my old blogs, to start a ‘new’ one as a starter of my new chapter. Though chapters started in every each new year, or maybe depends on how you want it. I’ll make my new chapter based on how I finally learn to accept different kind of things that has ever happened to me; past, present and future which about to come by tomorrow or so. The things that only matter right now is just that I have to live my life perfectly like how normal teenagers would. At the age of 17, still illegal and had to wait for the moment of being legal and not really a rebel. I just need to be a year older to certify myself as someone who can drive and go to places that I have been wanting to go.

Though only some can relate, but being a student sure is a pain in the ass. Trying to manage time perfectly both at school and home. Free times? Yeah, try filling it in with studies and staying at home with no vacation for the whole year. Oh, remember when I used to reveal that 2017 will be the end of my semester in high school? It will be in two more months. I’m going to spend days and nights with only cramping in my room to study for the sake of leaving the school with better result and graduating. It is a dream to be up on stage, shaking hand, being certified as a student with ‘I-Don’t-Know’ result but still coming out awesome, I hope.

Truth to be told, I have been improving a lot in my studies, except for some subjects. Well hey, I did much better now. I realized that back in July, I woke up 2 A.M up until 4 A.M just to study, but it doesn’t work well since my body needs enough rest and my brain does need it too, but you know I am just a lazy-ass person. Lately, my mood is off due to how my exam finished and receiving a very satisfying-but-not result. Honestly, I want to have a satisfying result unlike how I want during my first exam, but since now it’s a payment kind of exam. If I have failed 2 subjects, I have to pay with the amount given and where do I get money easily as a student? Hey! enough with school related. Lets go back to driving.

Here in my place, the legal age minimum to drive is 18 years old. Who wouldn’t be happy to have their own car, leaving school, going around whenever you want? I mean, it wouldn’t be an easy task, but they say practice makes perfect. I might be picking up my friends at anytime, go to my sister’s place which is far from where I am, I can go to Starbucks to have my coffee (well, only if I am lazy to make myself one). What sucks more is that, I have to drive myself to work every workdays. Though it won’t last longer, as I am planning to apply college. I don’t really mind going to work, but lets not get to that level yet. I am willing to study until where I can, damn really? I guess. There are reasons on why I am working and willing to continue my studies. Work; I could have my own salaries, I can give half to my parents as a gratitude for everything they’ve done to me since young. Paying my fees, clothing, food and such others. School; It’s where I can go further away with my dream and giving all my best to reach for the brightest star in the night sky (I cringed). First thing first, I haven’t decide on what to be. Fashion designer, photographer or any other. I have been too caught up with my school that I couldn’t have the time to think about my future or next decision after school.

And! To become a new person, not really, just a person who finally accept things that what I am going through has already gone through by some people. Like how we had to go school in the early morning, such things. Everyone already had this ‘been there, done that’ situation. Break up, failure, mistakes but they carry on with their life. Living it without taking care of their past because they know that it can’t be done correctly once again. Like how a glass fell, broken into pieces, not even glue would help to attach it perfectly back in one piece. I have much respects for the people who had the courage to live their life perfectly by times, having fun without caring about what other people say, and mostly those who succeed in everything with what they achieved. They’re living amazing.

It is too early, but I have plan things that I wanted to do after my exam ends. Having almost 4 months of holidays while waiting for my result, I couldn’t just sit down properly. I couldn’t wait to spend days of vacation with my family. Going out doing activities with my girlies, only one planned to go out with me for now (but let just say -lies so I don’t look like a picky person though I am not but oh well). ALSO! god, I am too happy to write this blog about how I feel, so!! I just did let out everything that I have been keeping by myself on my Instagram account. No lies, it was a little challenging because I have 1k followers. I haven’t post something with a very long caption. Most of these people who follow me, I either know them or it could be the otherwise. No close friendship, just normal. It caught a lot of attention as where some asked me if I am fine or not, but hella yes I feel special for the night. It was my very first time, telling something to people that I don’t know very well about whats disturbing me. After what happened last night, I am starting to let things go on its own. Whoever stays with me, I’ll let them stay. Whoever leave me behind, I’ll let them walk away. Whatever makes me happy, I’ll appreciate the moment and hoping that it will last longer.

With sincerity of writing a new chapter of mine or writing this blog about how I feel, I just want to make myself feel better and hoping that days would end perfectly fine. My hopes in 2017 would never change, it’ll stay having improvement in studies, better result, family/friends vacation, graduation under ‘Year 11; Class of 2017’ and last but not least, to make my family proud of who I am.

I’d like to congratulate myself for making my so first-ever blog looks or sounds happy. But, there is nothing wrong with moving on making your life better. You deserves to be happy too!

“Nurture your mind with great thoughts. To believe in the heroic makes heroes” -Benjamin Disraeli.